Ignorance is NOT Bliss/I'll Be Prayin' For Ya!

I have been sitting here crying for most of the evening... You know what, I think I should start from the beginning.

A few months ago, I decided to take a sabbatical from the news. It simply became too overwhelming and depressing to watch, so I quit the news - just like that. I was quite content to take up residence in the state of Oblivion. Whatever news I was aware of came in the form of snippets from the radio program I listen to during my morning commute, or from links people posted on facebook or twitter. I wasn't a bit bothered about not being able to contribute to conversations about current events because I had no clue what was going on in the world. Yes it was working out quite nicely for me if I do say so myself - until last week when two things happened.

First, I heard about the Kony 2012 campaign and I, like millions of others, jumped in with both feet without looking before I leapt. I mean, I bought the t-shirt and everything y'all; as it it should literally be arriving in my mailbox any day - but I digress... [Incidentally I am praying for the young man, Jason Russell, who co-created the video...]

After my rush of social activism, I stumbled on a commentary by Ugandan Journalist, Rosebell Kagumire and got the other perspective. In the case of this story, I forgot that there are several sides to every story and you don't get the full story if you leave them out. That is a very bad thing for a writer because the majority of what we do to create stories and characters people care about and relate to is to research and present multiple sides of a story.  Residents of Oblivion, I found out, do just the opposite. They go with whatever is popular and end up getting tossed around by any doctrine/movement/story that comes along. I was guilty. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I am that word nerd who actually looks up words AND their origins to make sure I understand things thoroughly long before I ever put paper to pen. [My paperback Merriam Webster that is split in half with its many dog-eared pages is proof of that.]

Told ya! ;o)

 Second, I heard about Trayvon Martin's story [way after the fact because, remember, I had "quit" the news] and my heart just about broke to the point I was in tears. This young man's story hit me so hard, and I couldn't figure out why. Then tonight I  saw his picture and realized this young man was around the same age as my nephew. I realized that given different circumstances it could have been my nephew... or anyone's nephew for that matter. It made me sad and angry and scared for reasons I won't go into in this particular post, but it also triggered something in me. I believe this story had to hit me like it did. It had to bring me to tears to remind me that not only am I a writer who needs to research to tell a complete story, but I am an intercessor who needs to pray about what's going on in the world around me and the people, the nation, that I love. When I quit the news, I quit more than I realized.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so foolish as to think the fate of the world hinges around my prayers alone - that's way too much pressure for any human being to carry. I do however realize that I have a part to  play and in my "absence" I wasn't playing it.

And so my tears and prayers tonight have not been about me; they haven't even been just about the Martin family [AND the Zimmerman family]. They have also been for the hurting people out there who need real hope, who need real help before they do something crazy, who need to see real change in their circumstances so they don't lose their minds. I know because I have been there. I also know it was only the prayers of someone (or someones) else that carried me through.

So, I hear-by announce that I sold my condo in Oblivion and I'm moving                                                                                                                                                                                                           back into the real world. The break was nice, but I'm ready to dive back in now. I don't plan to become a news junkie by any means, but I do intend to keep myself informed and aware from this point on. Ignorance is NOT bliss... who said that anyway? I see more research in my future!

Blessings to you Beloved.

P.S. - The phrase ignorance is bliss is from a poem by Thomas Gray called "Ode on a Distand Prospect of Eton College (1742). The complete line reads, Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise."  [Yes, I AM that much of a nerd - lol]

Well Shut My Mouth!

Job answered: "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me. I should never have opened my mouth! I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen." (Job 40:3-5 MSG)

This is supposed to be my last semester of school. The plan... my plan... was to register for classes this month finish by late April, graduate in May and finally be finished . I had it all worked out. I was going to pay for school with my tax refund and graduate free and clear. Then work messed up the W-2s. I had a mini panic moment, but the replacement papers came in plenty of time so I was happy and back on course, right? Wrong! My 401k company announced that we don't get our paperwork until mid February... What??? Um... class STARTS on the 13th - are you kidding me??? [sidebar: Notice how my panic level is slightly more... elevated at this point? [Yeah, pouting and whining are NOT a good look on me]. I went into rant mode -

Don't you see, God - this throws everything off schedule!
     {whose schedule?} 
My schedule! It has already taken me so long to go back to school and I've put it so much work.- why the delay now?
     {do you trust ME?}
What does that have to do with anything?! Of course I trust you. This isn't about trust...
     {isnt it?}
Uh.. no it isn't. [She crosses arms in a huff]

Yeah, so I've been stewing over this situation for a couple weeks now. It really rattles me when things get thrown off track like this and my beloved order is messed with. So I admit, my bottom lip has been poked out and everything. I'm guessing that's why God had a good girlfriend of mine sent me the following:

Me (in a tizzy): God, may I ask you something?

GOD: Sure.
Me: Promise you won't get mad?
GOD: I promise.
Me (frustrated): Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?
GOD: What do you mean?
Me: Well I woke up late,
GOD: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start,
GOD: Okay....
Me (growling): At lunch, they made my sandwich wrong and I ad to wait
GOD: Hmmmm..
Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call
GOD: All right
Me (loudly): And to top it all off, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my foot massager and relax, but it wouldn't work. Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?
GOD: Well let me see..... the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
Me (humbled): Oh...
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that might have hit you if you were on the road
Me (ashamed): ............
GOD: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work
Me (embarrassed): Oh.....
GOD: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give a false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered
Me (softly): I see, God
GOD: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm sorry, God.
GOD: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me.........in ALL things, the good and the bad
Me: I WILL trust you, God
GOD: And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan
Me: I won't, God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.
GOD: You're welcome, child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after my children.

I got the point, but I my bad attitude continued to linger... 

This morning on the ride in to work, I started whining to my roommate about the situation. She listened (again... God bless her) and finally she said, "It will happen. Just know that God has his reasons for the delay." I sighed and quit my whining for the moment. Nobody - not even God - was "getting" it!

Fast forward to just now - I was sending an email and caught a glimpse of my auto signature which includes a picture of my book cover. I read the tagline that says the book will be released in March of 2012. No sooner had I finished reading the sentence than I heard His voice whisper, "You have never released a book before and you don't know all that is involved, the time commitment, the work level. It is a consuming process and school will make it difficult, so I delayed it - for your good." Whoa!!

I had a Job moment where all I could do was put my hand over my mouth and marvel at my own stupidity to think I am qualified to speak about things I have no idea about.

How awesome it is to be loved and cared for by a Heavenly Father who sees our big picture. My attitude is fixed to say the least and I'm left with only gratitude and awe.

What has the Lord been doing for your good lately?

“And in spite of it all I hope. Even when it hurts…”

Photograph by Stephanie Berghauser 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." 

Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

The title of this post comes from a comment I received from my friend Critty Joy on my “Mad About What? – Part 1” post. It came to mind as I was leaving the baby shower of a dear friend, who I’ll call K, this past weekend. You see, this wasn’t just any shower, this was special. Like me, K had reached the point of disappointed resignation. In her late thirties, she had started to believe that marriage and a family just wasn't part of God’s plan for her. We didn't talk about it often, but it was always of those silent but understood issues we had in common – BUT GOD.

Within two years (or less, I forget now) I looked up one day and she was getting married. Then I blinked and she was expecting a baby. The way God moved on her behalf filled my heart with so much joy I could hardly express it! And I'm no fool, I’m always going to rejoice with those who rejoice! 

One of the things I have always admired about K is how she lived life to the fullest – even when it meant having to do things alone. She didn’t let her singleness stop her from traveling, experiencing new things, or anything else she wanted to do. Her bravery inspired me then, and it inspires me now. Although we rarely talked about it over the years, her life has spoken volumes to me, encouraged me and taught me much more that she will ever know. It makes her testimony that much sweeter to me.

Turns out her life changes also stirred up another emotion that felt vaguely familiar – hope. Somewhere deep within my own heart I can sense the flicker of a small flame and I wonder if it will be enough to rekindle a hope that has been cold for so long… Only time will tell, but it’s nice to know that even after all this time, the possibility still exists. Beloved, today I say to you [and to myself] - hold on to hope. If you are like me and you seem to have lost it, trust that God is willing and able to restore it; to restore YOU. He is still God and He is still good – even when it hurts. 

Mad About What (part 2)

Me & Daddy (1969ish)
I believe this is the car
Stokely Carmichael gave him... 

I seem to be on a roll and this process, although very draining, has been liberating. It's as though releasing everything I've had bottled up all these months had released me to live again - dramatic I know, but it wouldn't be me if I wasn't!

As I pondered the things I have been angry about I noticed a recurring theme. The enemy, as crafty as he is, lacks originality. He uses the same methods over and over again.. because they work I suppose. In my case his M.O. is to get me to question the character of God in as many areas as possible. My dad's dementia and subsequent death is no exception.

Daddy, my sister & I (1972ish)

It is impossible to accurately describe how it feels to watch a man you thought would live forever waste away before your very eyes. To now have to wait for the man whose one step once equaled 10 of yours to catch up. To see the presence that filled the room shrink. To hear the booming voice that commanded attention fade into a whisper. To see the man who brought hundreds to salvation in Christ through his gift of eloquent speech struggle to string a simple sentence together. To say it hurts is woefully inadequate.

I can't count how many times I wondered silently where God was in all this. Again I assumed there were some guarantees in this life. Surely a man who spent his life in the service of God could count on God not to allow him to suffer at the end of his days. Once again God seemed unfair, and without even realizing it, I began to hold it against Him. Every new symptom my dad manifested was another strike in my heart against God. I can't tell you what a dangerous place that is to be...

Thanksgiving in Baltimore circ 1977

I don't know much, but I know that when we give in to the lies that the enemy tells us about God, bad things happen. Don't believe me? Check out Genesis 3!

Once I went through my process and recognized what had been happening in my heart, and once I admitted how mad I was at God about it, how hurt I was at the unfairness, once I released all of that to him [and it took a while], it opened the door for God to begin heal and restore me - hence this blog  series. With every entry I feel greater release, greater peace, renewed freedom, and, most importantly restored relationship.

I can't lie, I wish this had happened differently. Even so, I'm walking away from this experience with the lessons my dad taught me through his suffering about accepting what God allows and holding on to your faith anyhow... "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:" Job 13:15a