The "Quiet" One...

“And in spite of it all I hope. Even when it hurts…”

2011-12-07T10:04:00.001-05:00

Photograph by Stephanie Berghauser

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

The title of this post comes from acomment I received from my friend Critty Joy on my “Mad About What? – Part 1”post. It came to mind as I was leaving the baby shower of a dear friend, who I’llcall K, this past weekend. You see, this wasn’t just any shower, this wasspecial. Like me, K had reached the point of disappointed resignation. In herlate thirties, she had started to believe that marriage and a family just wasn't part of God’s plan for her. We didn't talk about it often, but it was alwaysof those silent but understood issues we had in common – BUT GOD.

Within two years (or less, I forgetnow) I looked up one day and she was getting married. Then I blinked and shewas expecting a baby. The way God moved on her behalf filled my heart with somuch joy I could hardly express it! And I'm no fool, I’m always going to rejoice with those whorejoice!

One of the things I have alwaysadmired about K is how she lived life to the fullest – even when it meanthaving to do things alone. She didn’t let her singleness stop her fromtraveling, experiencing new things, or anything else she wanted to do. Herbravery inspired me then, and it inspires me now. Although we rarely talkedabout it over the years, her life has spoken volumes to me, encouraged me andtaught me much more that she will ever know. It makes her testimony that much sweeterto me.

Turns out her life changes also stirred up another emotion that felt vaguely familiar – hope. Somewhere deep within my own heart I can sense the flicker of a small flame and I wonder if it will be enough to rekindle ahope that has been cold for so long… Only time will tell, but it’s nice to knowthat even after all this time, the possibility still exists. Beloved, today I say to you [and tomyself] - hold on to hope. If you are like me and you seem to have lost it,trust that God is willing and able to restore it; to restore YOU. He is still God and He isstill good – even when it hurts.

Mad About What (part 2)

2011-11-22T10:07:00.001-05:00

Me & Daddy (1969ish)
I believe this is the car
Stokely Carmichael gave him...

I seem to be on a roll and this process, although very draining, has been liberating. It's as though releasing everything I've had bottled up all these months had released me to live again - dramatic I know, but it wouldn't be me if I wasn't!

As I pondered the things I have been angry about I noticed a recurring theme. The enemy, as crafty as he is, lacks originality. He uses the same methods over and over again.. because they work I suppose. In my case his M.O. is to get me to question the character of God in as many areas as possible. My dad's dementia and subsequent death is no exception.

Daddy, my sister & I (1972ish)

It is impossible to accurately describe how it feels to watch a man you thought would live forever waste away before your very eyes. To now have to wait for the man whose one step once equaled 10 of yours to catch up. To see the presence that filled the room shrink. To hear the booming voice that commanded attention fade into a whisper. To see the man who brought hundreds to salvation in Christ through his gift of eloquent speech struggle to string a simple sentence together. To say it hurts is woefully inadequate.

I can't count how many times I wondered silently where God was in all this. Again I assumed there were some guarantees in this life. Surely a man who spent his life in the service of God could count on God not to allow him to suffer at the end of his days. Once again God seemed unfair, and without even realizing it, I began to hold it against Him. Every new symptom my dad manifested was another strike in my heart against God. I can't tell you what a dangerous place that is to be...

Thanksgiving in Baltimore circ 1977

I don't know much, but I know that when we give in to the lies that the enemy tells us about God, bad things happen. Don't believe me? Check out Genesis 3!

Once I went through my process and recognized what had been happening in my heart, and once I admitted how mad I was at God about it, how hurt I was at the unfairness, once I released all of that to him [and it took a while], it opened the door for God to begin heal and restore me - hence this blog series. With every entry I feel greater release, greater peace, renewed freedom, and, most importantly restored relationship.

I can't lie, I wish this had happened differently. Even so, I'm walking away from this experience with the lessons my dad taught me through his suffering about accepting what God allows and holding on to your faith anyhow... "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:" Job 13:15a

Mad About What? [part 1 revisited]

2011-11-17T09:33:00.001-05:00

Ok, so here are a few things that came up in my heart after my last post:

I think my anger has shifted from being angry at God for not sending me a husband yet, to being angry at God for not letting me know one way or the other if marriage is His will for me or not. This whole "limbo" thing is a real pain. I mean on one hand I don't want to seem like I don't have faith and can't wait on God, but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on life waiting for something that looks as though it may never come... I just need a definitive "yay" or "nay" and I'll be on my way [I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but how cool is that?]

I'm also mad at the fight that this situation causes within me. What I mean is this. Since the Garden, the enemy's strategy has been to get us to question God's heart toward us. Think about it. The serpent convinced Eve that God was holding out on her; that He didn't really want her to be like Him - the end result was the fall of man. For me the enemy has whispered in my ear since adolescence that love is not meant for me; that my lot in life was to be on the sidelines and watch others' happiness, but not have it for myself. He convinced me that my personality was too much for people and that because I love so hard I overwhelm people and that I could never expect the same in return. At the time I didn't know God so I bought the enemy's lies. This yet to years of trying to "tone myself down" and blend in with the crown - decision I so regret in retrospect.... It is exhausting to spend year after year wondering what's wrong with you, let me tell you. Even after I got saved, I fought with the concept of a loving God who refused to bring love into my life. I fought to reconcile the truth of God's heart toward me against the lies I'd heard - and accepted - for years. I still do on some level and it just makes me mad.

While I'm at it I should also mention another battle - the struggle with pride. As I said in my previous post, I have attempted to do things according to the way I understood God says they should be done. First marriage, then sex, then children. It can be very tempting to compare my self with others and start to think I've done something in and of myself and we all know where pride leads... The truth is that only God has kept me and continues to keep me - especially in the times when I didn't want to be kept... I can't take any credit and none of this makes me better than or more spiritual than anyone else - far from it. I've had to reject people trying to put me on a pedestal, but I've also had to resist the temptation to put myself on one too. Another struggle that just gets on my nerves...

I'm also mad about missed opportunities; specifically the opportunity to be a mother. While people my age have children, and even grandchildren in some cases, I feel like I've been cheated of an experience every woman longs for. [Wow, I have never ever admitted that before... but I know He knows] And before someone tells me that it's not too late, I have to say that I told God years ago that I had no desire to be an "old" parent. I love the stories of Sara and Elizabeth, but I never wanted to BE them. I can't see chasing after Isaac at 90 years old, sorry! I always wanted to be able to enjoy my children and see them grow up. At age 45 it seems that ship has sailed and I have accepted it. Still I find it unfair and there are moments, fewer than before but moments nonetheless, where that makes me nail spitting mad! Especially when I see people abusing and killing children everyday... I can't help but question...

I wish I could wrap this all up with a nice, neat, clever yet uplifting sentence, but I can't. The truth is our faith is a fight. The truth is sometimes things are unfair; sometimes there are no answers or explanations, and it sucks rotten eggs!! Bottom line is this: I have to make a choice every day [or more often as necessary] to believe that God is who He says he is and that His heart toward me is love. Whenever I'm hit with what is painful, unfair, perplexing, or INFURIATING, the truth about God needs to be enough. Even while my flesh demands answers and explanations; even when it is impossible to wrap my life up with a pretty bow and call it faith; even when things are messy and complicated God is God... So yeah, I think this concludes Part 1...

Mad About What? [part 1]

2011-11-06T01:36:00.001-04:00

I know… I know. I dropped a bombshell then I disappeared. I won’t bother with excuses or beat around the bush. The truth is I was embarrassed and afraid by the idea of admitting what I’ve been angry about.

You see, I’ve been feeling let down by God. It seems like such an ungrateful thing to say about a God who is so loving and good. What I have found though, after 26 years with Him, is that it is absolutely possible to love and respect God; to believe in His goodness even, and be upset with Him at the same time. I’ve also found that God is not frightened by my 'upset-ness.' He already knows what I’m thinking and feeling, He just wants me to acknowledge it so we can deal with it.

I think felt let down because I bought into the belief that if I did everything by the book, followed all the rules, and was obedient that I could expect some things from God. So I did what I thought were all the right things. It wasn’t with the conscious intent to manipulate God, but I suppose the end result was the same.

I think I’ve mentioned previously that at this stage of my life I always thought I would be married for several years with a few kids finishing high school/headed for college. Instead I find myself single while I watch others living the life I always wanted as wives and mothers. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge anyone happiness. I am genuinely happy for my friends with spouses and families. Still I can’t help feeling overlooked, slighted by God. It’s been very confusing and downright upsetting to me at times – and that’s the honest truth. I identify with the “other son” in the prodigal son story in that sense. Like the father, God seems unfair.

When I was twelve years old I remember a conversation I had with my best friend where I told her I was going to wait until I was married to have sex. I didn't know God personally at that time, but I believe that God received my words that afternoon as a vow to Him; a vow that I kept. After I accepted Christ in college, I took those words even more seriously. Somewhere in the back of my mind I expected something in return for honoring my vow. My twenties went by – nothing, my thirties came and went without so much as a relationship. Now I’m almost half done with my forties, there are still no prospects [that I can see anyway] on the horizon, and God seems more silent than ever. I’m left wondering what to think...

Despite the length of this post, this is not something I dwell on or think about all the time. In fact it is not always such a sore spot, but I would be less than truthful if I didn't admit that there are days, hours, moments when it makes me screaming mad. Maybe because I don't have answers... I don't know if I'm simply called to singleness. I don't know why God doesn't remove the desire if it isn't His will for me. I don't know what to pray in this area. So many 'I don't knows,' and that makes me mad too.

What I've had to do is focus on what I do know. I know that God is good and faithful. I know He loves me and He has a plan for my life. I know He knows what I need. I know He sees the big picture. I know He delights in me and that He is for me. The key is remembering the "knows" when I'm faced with the "don't knows." Easier said than done sometimes. The enemy is always waiting for an opportunity to convince us that God is not who He says He is. The fight is not to believe it - and what a fight it is!

Wow. This post has turned out so much differently than I imagined it would. I pray something here will be a blessing to someone who is struggling to understand God's heart toward them. Be encouraged to know that His love is big enough to withstand and carry us through the disappointments and the angry times of our lives. I'm learning this day by day myself.

Screaming Mad

2011-09-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, I’ve skirted around the issue, tried to ignore it, andworked hard to suppress it long enough. I’m tired. I can’t run anymore, I can’tlie to myself, or to God (as if that were possible), or other people foranother minute. The truth is, I am mad! Foot stamping, fist clenching, tearsstreaming, hair pulling MAD! I am. To betotally honest (because that’s what this post is all about) I have been mad for along time.

So why have I avoided admitting and dealing with it for solong? Well, it’s because of Who I am mad at… Brace yourselves. For the last 7 years or more, I have been mad with God! Shew, there I said it. This probably isn’tthe uplifting revelation you were hoping for – me neither, but I have to dosomething – NOW. If I don’t know anything else, I know the enemy uses silenceas a weapon. If he can keep us silent about what’s going on with us he knows weare powerless to overcome. BUT the Word says we overcome by the Blood of theLamb and the word of our testimony – that doesn’t just mean the good stuff.There are less than pretty things we all experience that combine with the goodthings to make our whole testimony.I believe it’s all working for my good.

You see, I can feel myself slipping. I’ve felt it for awhile. No, I haven’t done anything crazy, but I can sense that the intimacy ofmy relationship with God has weakened, especially over this summer. I’ve beengoing through the motions, but the depth I once enjoyed is missing. I’m going tobe completely honest here and tell you that I have probably spent as manySundays at home as I have in church lately, and that’s not like me especially consideringhow much I LOVE my church. Oh, and I can’t tell you the last time I had a quiettime and my spirit is ‘fiending’! Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and loveGod, but because I’ve been mad with him I let a lot of things slip… my silentrebellion I suppose.

Well, I’m over it and I’m ready to face the issues thatgot me here in the first place. That’s what my next few blogs will be about –my process as I confess what’s been bothering me and allow God to bring methrough. I believe that my sharing this will help someone out there who mayalso be mad with God - so stay tuned, Beloved. In the mean time, this song puts into words whatI’ve been feeling… enjoy!

http://youtu.be/VtapoGukzCA

As Of Late

2011-08-18T08:19:00.002-04:00

I am taking a moment to participate in my sweet friend Critty Joy's meme. You should join the fun!

So...

As of late, I am becoming more and more like the me I once knew... and I like it very much.
As of late, I have stopped allowing myself to be swept away by and distracted by what others are doing
As of late, I have pushed through things that I never thought I could and found inner strength there.
As of late, I have seen results for my efforts - hard work really does pay off.
As of late, I have taken a step closer to my dream - talk about scary yet thrilling.
As of late, I have started reading again - how I missed it!
As of late, I find myself smiling and laughing quite a bit. In fact, I'm smiling right now. :o)
As of late, I have been listening more and talking less and it has been fascinating.

That was fun! Your turn now... you know you want to! ;o)\

Have a FAB day beloved.

Sometimes You Just Have To WAIT

2011-08-10T08:41:00.000-04:00

It had been a long day and I wanted nothing more than to get home, change out of my work clothes, put on my slippers and veg on the couch for a while. I was tired, bone tired, and the overcast skies only made it worse. Finally after what seemed like the longest commute in the history of man, I was minutes from home. I raced through the last light [ok perhaps "race" isn't the best choice of words... I was doing the speed limit!] and I was already envisioning myself pulling into my parking spot when I saw red; as in the taillights of several cars ahead of me. I groaned at the prospect of being so close and yet so far. I may or may not have wished for a second that I was Jeannie and I could blink myself there! What was the hold up? As I got closer, I saw the cause of the delay. A family of geese was making it's way across the road... slowly... one-by one. Not only is it inhumane to hit them, but in my town it's against the law and carries a hefty fine from what I've heard. So we, the weary, worn commuters, would just have to wait...

Here is the place where I wish I could say that this was a teaching moment that God used to speak to me about waiting... That's not exactly what happened. Instead I gripped the steering wheel, and groaned and sighed loudly as the geese passed by... slowly... one-by-one [oh wait, I said that already didn't I?]. I may have even had a small 'attitude' about it. [don't judge me!]

Later in the week, I remembered the scene. I thought about how regardless of where any of us were going or how badly we wanted to get there, we just had to wait. I also remembered when I was a child and I wanted something so urgently and my mother would reply, "I know, but you just have to wait." I hated that answer, but there was nothing else I could do. Now all these years later, nothing has changed. As a child of God, there are still things I want so badly and so urgently, but God seems to be saying that for now I just have to wait.

Being the 'word nerd' that I am, I had to look up the word wait. I was struck to find out that waiting is a more active process than I realized. The definition speaks of expectancy, availability and readiness which are all active states. One of the definitions says, "to remain temporarily neglected or unrealized." What a relief that was to know that what I am experiencing - the waiting - is temporary. Just like those geese eventually reached the other side of the road and we were able to go on with our evenings, what I am waiting for is only temporarily delayed.

Are you waiting for something? Are you expecting? Are you ready and available for when it arrives? Please know that this waiting period is only temporary. Don't let it trip you up or frustrate you. Don't allow it to cause you to try to make it happen yourself [that is exhausting and it never works... believe me, I know!] I wish I had different news today, but the reality is... sometimes you just have to wait. Take heart though because the waiting period is not permanent. The geese will get to the other side and you will move forward and get where you're going - guaranteed!

Be encouraged and have a wonderful day, beloved.

The Road to Change (aka Please Pass the Ben Gay!)

2011-07-21T11:44:00.031-04:00

I finally did it. I took a step toward a change I've beenwanting for years. I haven't been able to do it on my own. Some people aregreat and pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps, but in this area thatjust didn't hold true for me. It's not for lack of trying, mind you. Insteadit's been more about having all the pieces but not knowing how to put ittogether so it comes out like the picture on the box. The bottom line is:if I could have done it myself, it would have been done! Last week, I decidedit was time to do something different; to seek the structure and direction Iwas lacking. Actually, help kind of came to me in the form of a radioad. I called the number scheduled an appointment. I walked out enrolled in aprogram that will help me reach my goal.

As expected, exercise is a big part ofthis holistic program so I was assigned a personal trainer. Yesterdaywas my first day working out with my trainer, Justin. I didn't know what toexpect. Honestly, I was kind of nervous. I had visions of Jillian Michaelsscreaming in my face until I cried... or Bob yelling at me to stop talkingabout it and JUST DO IT!

So, I walked in at 7:30 pm and Justin was waiting for me. Wetalked and took weight, measurements, etc and then he led me over to thetreadmill to get an idea what my cardio was like. I should insert here that ifyou look in the dictionary under the word sedentary you will find my picturethere, smiling and waving.

Inside I was thinking, "YES!I am a treadmill master - I’ve so got this!" and Idid have it when he started me at 2.0. He increased it to 2.3 and I waspicturing myself doing tricks - standing on my head, letting go of the heartmonitor bar, waving to the other patrons... So he kept taking it up and askingme how I was doing. He bumped it up a few more times and we were at 3.3 orsomething and conversation started becoming...well... challenging and I feltperspiration starting to make an appearance [the horror!]. Suddenly, my desireto do treadmill tricks was gone, and I wondered how much longer it would bebefore my heart popped out of my chest! My heart rate confirmed it; infact at one point it was in the 160s and I thought about how sorry I was that Inever made a will, and should I survive, I should probably get onthat soon... After several moments of torture in which I considered hopping offand cutting my losses, he bumped it back down, explaining he wantedmy heart rate to come back down between 130 and 135. I wanted to kisshim, I was so relieved!

After 15 minutes he turned the machine off and told me to followhim to the back so we could start our workout. As I walked behind himon legs that felt wobbly like cooked spaghetti I thought... 'Hold up! Did he just say START?!! No sooner had I gotten my sea legs than the man asked me to do squats... SQUATSI said!! The personalinvention of Lucifer himself! I did one, and thought it was pretty goodtoo. It wasn’t... He corrected my form and asked me if I could golower... Do what now? Go lower? Mycreaky knees were not having it and I told Justin so. This dude's face litup and he disappeared around the corner. He came back with one of thoseexercise balls. I was elated. I thought, "Ohgood! I'm glad we are done with all that squatting business!"My elation was short-lived as he demonstrated that the ball would go betweenthe wall and my lower back so I could do lower squats... WHAT??? I was surprisedthough, the ball made the difference and I was able to go lower... I did myfirst set of 15 and we stopped for a rest... Thatwasn't so bad, I thought. I was about to start my second set whenhe placed some weights in my hands. I was supposed to keep them by my shouldersas I went down the lifted them up and back on my way up... Heavensto Betsy! But I did it, with Justin cheering me on andmonitoring my form. It wasn't as bad as I expected.

Whew!Good workout I thought... But we weren’t done. He pulled out a mat and told me to liedown on my stomach. What on earth are we gonna donow? Iwondered. Justin asked... have you ever done a plank? ME??? A PLANK??? The veryidea of holding up over {insert coughing fit here} pounds almostmade me cry , but I sucked it up and watched him demonstrate, like it wasnothing. Show off! I took a deepbreath and hoisted myself up like he showed me and he told me to hold it... soI did for as long as I could while my WHOLE body shook... I did a second oneand shook some more. On the third one I got a wicked cramp just under mychest... We spent the next 10 minutes working out the cramp... Told you I shouldn't be doing planks! Ihad some water and felt better and it was on to the next thing.

When he brought out a medicine ball I almost laughed out loud. The last time I saw one of those it was a prop in an episode of I Love Lucy or something! He demonstrated what hewanted me to do with it - which was still more squatting by the way -hmphf! I did 15 of them immediately followed by 15 jumping jacks (soooounpretty). We did three sets of these with recovery time betweeneach. And that was the work out. Wow! I did it, and, moreimportantly, I had survived! I felt like Superwoman... http://youtu.be/-AphKUK8twg

"Let’s s go back out front so I can stretch you out,"Justin said. Again I was laying on a mat... face up this time. Can I just tellyou how this man took hold of my right leg and stretched the mess out of it? Iwas actually crying out. I am not a very bendy person so I was inshock. Remember I'm the photo in the dictionary under 'sedentary'... He did thesame with my other leg and honest to goodness I could feel even my bladder, mypancreas and maybe even my spleen; stretching... He hadme flip over and proceeded to stretch the backs of my legs... Can I just tellyou that the last time my heel and my behind made contact like that I wasprobably SEVEN!!! Again I hollered but Justin wasn't fazed by my hollering. Hesaid it was nothing compared to one of his clients actually screams whenhe stretches her... And that's encouraging how??? Funny thing though, when I stood up from all the 'pretzeling'... I FELTGREAT. Justin said, "How do you feel? [pause] You feel brand newdon't you?" All I could do was smile because I did. One laststretch where I swear he tried to make my elbows meet and I was headedback out to my door amazed at all the stuff that I had been scared to try, but now I had actually DONE!

Justin: See you Saturday, right?

Me: Yep, see youSaturday!

As Of Late [July 21, 2011]

2011-07-21T11:00:00.000-04:00

As of late I have been rediscovering how to rest, relax, and enjoy myself. Things I forgot while I was riding myself so hard...

As of late I have been laughing, really laughing... A LOT . It really is the best medicine!

As of late I have begun moving toward a specific change that I have wanted to see in my life for years. Stay tuned...

As of late I have started to drop back in to places and things that I dropped out of. It's so good to be back.

As of late I feel the need for more/better organization in my life. The show Hoarders has made me terrified of clutter!

As of late I am focusing on being present and determining the purpose in my moments - sure beats just existing.

As of late I have started cultivating a growing appreciation for the people in my life and the impact that each them is having on me.

As of late, I find myself looking forward to this meme. ;o)

Happy Thursday everyone!

The 7-Day Doubt Diet

2011-07-14T07:58:00.001-04:00

Isn't God's timing amazing? Don't you just love that way He has of giving us just what we need right when we need it? I was particularly aware of His timing today when I stumbled on a different kind of diet that speaks to where I am right now.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have been in need of a faith jump start, but I wasn't sure where to start. In answer to my heart's cry, I stumbled on the 7-Day Doubt Diet and decided to give it a try. The blurb is below...

Do you want to join me in losing the weight of discouragement and self-doubt? Renee Swope, from Proverbs 31 Ministries is offering a FREE “7-day Doubt Diet.” Just click here to enter your information in her sidebar, and you’ll receive a week’s worth of devotions from her upcoming book, A Confident Heart. And be sure to let me know so we encourage one another along the way.

Have a wonderful day beloved and be confident in the Father's love for YOU!

You Are Not Forgotten

2011-06-22T20:40:00.000-04:00

Hey there! I hope summer finds each of you enjoying some of your favorite activities with some of your favorite people.

In my case, I have taken a break from school and from the social networking scene for a bit. I needed to decompress, get quiet, and deal with some things.

Among other things, I am using this break time to reconnect with God, my family and friends and myself.... After only a few days so much has already surfaced. I am truly being purged and pruned, and, while it has been painful, it is a sweet pain.

One thing that surfaced is a sense of being forgotten. For reasons that I won't elaborate on now, I have felt forgotten by God. I suppose it has been there for a while buried under the busyness of life I used to avoid dealing with it. Once I was still and quiet enough to listen, God began to show me what is really in my heart...

This morning on the way to work He reminded me how much He loves me. Over and over again like someone Who wanted to make absolutely sure I got the message. His presence was with me all day long in a very real, almost tangible way. Then just now as I was going through some music, he reminded me of an Israel Houghton song he used to minister to me in this very area years ago. It stayed on "repeat" in my car for months and months. The words spoke directly to my heart:

"You are not just a face in the crowd

You are not a forgotten child

Let me whisper it loud

I love you... Oh I love you

You can hold your head up high cause I’ll make everything alright

I’m committed to you smiling again yeah

And eventually you see people similarities

Everyone just needs a friend

And when they’re crying for help

You’ll be able to tell …them

Please tell them for Me

You are not forgotten." (I. Houghton)

For you who may be feeling forgotten even as you read this, I know just how you feel, I do. The good news is that our feelings don't change the truth. The truth is no matter how we feel, or what our circumstances may look like, God has given His word that He will NEVER leave or forsake us! So even as we feel forgotten in certain areas of our lives God assures us that we are NOT forgotten. Beloved, God has not forgotten us no matter what. Hang on to that word with me and we will make it through this season together. Know that I am here praying you through and you are not forgotten....

As of Late...

2011-06-16T08:31:00.000-04:00

I'm excited to finally have the chance to participate in this meme hosted by my sweet friend CrittyJoy! Check out her blog and link up with us.

You know it's funny... I've seen this meme before and I've always enjoyed reading the posts, but I never considered that I had anything "post worthy." At first glance, the past month didn't seem very eventful either, but when I gave it some more thought I realized there has been quite a bit going on so...

As of Late...

I am rediscovering my passionate love of writing.
I am investing myself in some new friendships that have become so very precious to me
I am a little quieter and introverted than normal... self reflection I suppose
I am learning how to be kinder and gentler to myself
I am daring to do some things I've never done before and I'm enjoying the results - who knew???
I am setting goals... real ones... with target dates and everything!
I am relearning how to rest in the moments of life... I like it too!
I have been quietly restless concerning areas in my life that are ripe for change

I guess that's all for now... Happy Summer all!

Letting Go of Criticism (or Thank You Jon Acuff!)

2011-06-02T12:51:00.001-04:00

I was talking with my good friend CrittyJoy… the same friend who sparked my last post come to think of it… and she sent me a link to Jon Acuff’s latest blog post. Now I like Jon’s writing, so I expected it to be really good. What I didn’t expect, however, was for it to transport me back to the living room of my old apartment where I sat listening to a friend utter words that hurt me to my core; words I carried with me from that time on without even realizing it.

It was an intense time in the life of the church we were attending surrounding the worship ministry. My friend had been hurt by decisions that were made and the way things were done. I felt like I was in the middle because I was new and I had been asked to be a part of the new worship ministry. One of my fellow members had been part of the previous team and she has an amazing voice. I have always been able to sing, but I was content to be in the background. I have no problem being a Supreme! :o) God used the team to stretch me and move me outside of my comfort zone. The experience was building my confidence in the gift God had given me. Imagine how I felt when my friend said that the only member of the team who could sing was the woman from the previous praise team! It physically stung and I know it showed on my face. I understand that hurt people, hurt people and my friend had been hurt. She was lashing out and I was caught in the crossfire. That didn't make it any less painful. I had no words so I just went to my room while she continued to talk to my roommate.

The sting wore off over time, but the words stayed with me. I did my best to stay under the radar and blend into in the background as much as possible. The saddest thing of all is that without realizing it, I even stopped singing around the house and even in my private time with God. It was so bad that for a long while, I didn't even sing in the car y'all! I allowed the criticism of someone else to silence one of my greatest weapons and my greatest joys. Music is the way I express my heart to God, but I let it go because of harsh words spoken out of pain and anger. I understand exactly where where Kevin Smith (see Jon's post!) is coming from because I had essentially done the same thing. I carried the criticism around with me and let it impact my life negatively.

Thankfully, yesterday, in conversation and when Jon's post, I was able to recognize that I was holding on to past criticism in that area. I saw the need to let go of those words and move on and that is just what I did! My bag is getting lighter, however there are still places I need to revisit, words I need to unpack and let go of. I feel lighter already!

Beloved, I know what that person said about you hurt. I know it made you doubt yourself and your God-given ability. I know is still keeps you from moving forward into the fullness the Father has ordained for you to walk in. The good news is you have a choice: you can hold on to it, continue to drag it along and let it hold you back, or you can let it go and be free. I pray you choose freedom today!

Changing Lanes

2011-05-31T12:39:00.001-04:00

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”

(Ps 37:4 NLT)

The 22nd of next month will mark twenty-five years that I will have prayed the same prayer. Can you imagine twenty-five years of asking for the same thing? Well… maybe I should take a year, or five, off. The silent years when I grew tired of asking and getting no response so I simply went quiet about it... Those were the years when it did not seem worth the effort to pour out the desires on my heart to a God who, for whatever reason, was not hearing me.

     Still – 20 years of asking the same thing… can you blame me for getting weary? Twenty years of waiting for an answer, or better yet, a manifestation… The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12 that hope deferred makes the heart sick... Well I can vouch for King Solomon 100% on that one because I have been heartsick over this thing. I have been in a cycle where I rotate from being hopeful, to being humbled, to being hopeless and around again because of this one request that remains elusive and unanswered. Lately, I have been on that low end of the cycle. Today, however, while talking to a good friend, I realized what happened - I shifted lanes. Allow me to explain...

     It is kind of like my commute this morning. There I was going along my merry way when a yellow cab jumped out from a side street and cut me off. I had to stop short and adjust my driving for his. He drove slowly and the cab even swerved a couple times as he combed his hair in his rear view mirror, put on his baseball cap, and checked out his reflection. (Really?!) I missed a light because I was stuck behind him but there was nowhere for me to go because we were in the same lane. Finally the road split and I was able to change lanes. From there it was smooth sailing - for the most part...

     Well just like that cab driver, I shifted into His lane concerning my petition and I cut God off. That shift on my part gave rise to doubt, frustration, anger, and, eventually, full-blown hopelessness. I had drifted into His lane and began operating from it leaving God nowhere to go because I was in front of Him. As a result I began to wonder whether my petition would ever being answered. I wondered where God was and what on earth He was doing that was taking so long! Meanwhile, God, in His infinite love and wisdom waited patiently as my car swerved a time or two as I studied my own reflection in my rear view mirror.

     I remembered Psalm 37:4 in conversation with my friend and realized that my responsibility lies in the first part; the “taking delight in the Lord” part. That is my lane and I need to concentrate on staying there. The second part; “giving me the desires of my heart,” is God’s lane. I have no business over there, and when I do drift over and try to “help” Him, as I am apt to do, I end up cutting Him off and blocking Him from His destination – my heart’s desire. All of that is to say that I am changing lanes today. I am getting back where I am supposed to be; to a place of taking delight in God – period. In the mean time, I am learning to fully trust God to handle His part. It may be another twenty-five years or it may never come – either way I embrace the trust in God this experience has birthed in me through the process, and I will do my best to stay in my lane!

Drive safely beloved - and stay in your lane! :o)

The Last Day...

2011-05-24T18:30:00.001-04:00

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” (Job 23:10 – NIV)

       No, this is not a post about the end of the world! I just had a moment. You know one of those moments where you are in the middle of doing something you always do and it hits you that this is the last day you will be doing that thing? I call them “last day” moments, and I try to remember to record them so I can always look back and say May 24, 2011 was the last day I did {blank} Today it’s soda, of all things! I went to grab lunch at Subway and picked up a grape soda to go with my meal. I was sipping some just now when I suddenly “knew” today, is the last day I will drink soda.

       I know this is rather random, but it got me thinking about how every change or move I have made in my life began with a last day moment. The day after I got home from my trip to Pennsylvania, I knew I was experiencing my last days in Maryland. Likewise, the day it was time to move back, I knew. When I kissed my Daddy goodnight on September 14, 2010, I knew that would be that last day I’d see him - on this side. (Oh the joy of not having to grieve as those without hope!) My point is that there is always a moment before a change comes where the Holy Spirit lets me know that the previous season has come to an end.

       I mention this as I take the summer break to concentrate on implementing some much needed change in my life. I need a major overhaul spiritually, mentally and physically. In the process, I look forward to many more “last days” as I shed things that I no longer need and pick up things that I’ve let slip. I am excited about this journey and I am listening for God’s direction.

       How about you? Have you have had, or are you having, a “last day” moment in any area of your life? If so I’d love to hear about it. We can encourage and pray one another through. In the mean time, keep flowing with the process.

Realignment...

2011-05-23T10:49:00.001-04:00

Good morning, beloved! I have missed this place so…

I am in such a strange place right now… It’s that place where I am having to refocus and adjust my plan. In truth, I am realigning myself with God’s plan. The whole process has been a bit frustrating for me, not because of the readjusting, but because I have not been able to articulate what is going on. Writing is not only my gift, it is my coping mechanism. It is my therapy, my comfort, my oxygen. Even when I cannot speak a thing, I have always been able to write about it. In the process of writing and then looking back at what I have written, I can get a clear picture of where I am, where I took a detour, and where I need to go. This time, however, I have been stripped of the familiar. I have to find another way to locate where I am and where I need to go… This is hard, but it is necessary.

A key point throughout my Christian walk, my life journey, has centered around coming to the place where I know and understand that my security, my safety, my direction, my EVERYTHING is in Christ alone. I realize I should never get to the place where I rely on anything more than I do on the Father. I can look back and see that whenever that has started to happen in my life, God has moved me from that thing temporarily in order to realign me. In the process He has always revealed Himself to me in a new way and my life was forever changed.

The last time was back in 1999 when He clearly told me to move to a place where I knew maybe four people and only one of them really well. No job, no car, no family & friends, and no idea what He was doing. I felt like I was on the high wire without a net, but I went in faith, armed with Genesis 12:1-3 and trusting in the plan of God. I watched doors open out of nowhere. A good job, a steady ride to and from work each day from a woman who didn’t know me from a can of paint, a place to live while I got on my feet – then my own place, and a car…. He provided and I couldn’t give the credit to anyone else. I learned so much about my God in that place. Through the good and bad times it was so worth taking that leap of faith. It changed my life for the better in so many ways and I grew like I never could have if I had stayed in my comfort zone. When the time came for me to return home after nearly eight years, I was a new person and the things I once relied on faded into the background – into their proper place.

So this time, my pen has been stilled. I do not even have the spoken words to express my thoughts. I am in a place where it is less about me talking to God and more about allowing Him to speak to me. I am in a posture of listening… and it is a good thing; different, but good. So for those of you who see me and I seem even quieter than normal, this is why. Know that I am ok. I am just being processed in a way that is new to me and figuring it out as I go along, but it is well with my soul.

Maybe you find yourself in a strange or different place with God today. Can I just encourage you to know that it is OK and you are OK? My prayer is that you do not run from the process, not even from the uncomfortable/scary parts. We have a guarantee that the fruit that this process brings in our lives far outweighs the momentary discomfort. [Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” (NKJV)] Be encouraged and continue to stand beloved - we can do this!!

Have a blessed day!

Confessions of a Cracked Pot

2011-04-07T10:24:00.001-04:00

We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.

[2 Corinthians 4:7 (MSG)]

I listened as she shared her heart with me. She told me how she felt like a fraud – being looked to as a leader in the church when her own life was so out of whack. I listened and I remembered feeling like that several times myself.

I felt hollow and like I was just going through the motions - singing on the worship team while struggling to find a song of praise in my heart of hearts, ever the encourager even as I waged my own battle with despair, speaking faith and feeling fear… I could go on.

To be completely honest, I still feel this way sometimes – unworthy and ineffective. Here’s the crazy part though. How about it is during those very times that someone comes and tells me how something I said when I thought I was “just talking” or something I did was just what they needed. It amazes me every time to think that God chooses to used a cracked pot like me (please note I did NOT say a “crackpot” as that is an entirely different post! ).

So as I listened to my dear friend I also listened to God for what, if anything, I should say. I thought about the people who made an impact in my life over the years - and the ones who didn’t. The “perfect” people didn’t reach me. I couldn’t relate to them because I was nowhere near where they were (and probably never would be!). It is the ‘cracked pots,’ the ones who weathered storms, made mistakes (sometimes BIG ones), and kept moving forward in their faith anyway that gave me hope and encouragement.

Our shortcomings, struggles, doubts and questions don’t make us frauds, they make us human. They come with the territory, and they don’t take God by surprise at all. The potter knows exactly what kind of pots He created and how He intended for them to function together for His glory. To the human eye they may seem useless or dysfunctional, but when the time comes for Him to use them, He seals each and every crack with His precious Holy Spirit and they function perfectly. How awesome is that?!

I would rather be a cracked pot in the hands of the Master than a perfect vessel any day, wouldn’t you?

Have a blessed one beloved.

In Him,
Isunji

Love is a Verb

2011-03-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

I love.

You love

He/She loves

They love

We love

Love is a verb

Today would have been my sister Sandra's 39th birthday. I still miss her presenence, her love, and her laughter everyday, but I am encouraged by two things.

I'm encouraged first because Sandra knew the Lord and she is with Him now. I'm encouraged because I know we will see one another again. I'm encouraged because of our shared faith.

I'm also encouraged because I am positive that Sandra left here knowing how much I loved her. In any and every way I knew how I made sure she knew it, saw it, felt it. I know she knew and understood that I loved her. It made her passing a little easier to deal with knowing that there were no regrets or ill feelings between us.

It seems only fitting that the best way to honor Sandra today is to encourage love. So I encourage you today to reach out to those you love. Show them, tell them, make sure they know how you feel. Don't worry so much about their reaction, just go for it. I guarantee it will do them (and you) a world of good! I'll start... I LOVE YOU!!! See, you're smiling aren't you? Mission accomplished.

Here's one of my favorite songs to give you an extra nudge.

Blessings to you!

Love The Skin I'm In

2010-12-29T12:26:00.001-05:00

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

(Robert Frost)

Some days I look around and I wonder, “What did I sign up for exactly?” The life I live is drastically different from the life I imagined. At this stage in my life, I was certain I would have been married for a long time, have children finishing up high school and halfway through college, have a stellar career under my belt. These are the things that society told me, in one way or another, would make me happy and bring fulfillment. I believed what “they” told me and I pursued it, but it has not happened that way for me. So now what?

After years spent trying to run in step everyone else; trying desperately, yet in vain, to keep in step with the crowd. I strived to have life like everyone else around me was having it. It’s only recently that I came to realize that is just not my portion. I am one of those who marches to a different drum; a drum I tried to ignore and block out for fear of standing out and being set apart when the reality is, that’s exactly what I’m meant to do, stand out and be set apart. Who wants to be different, when different is often ridiculed, rejected and misunderstood. Oh wait - that would be what happened to Jesus wouldn’t it? Hmm…

I once heard Oprah Winfrey say that she always knew that she was destined for greatness. I won’t go that far, but I’ve always known that I had a big destiny and a greater responsibility. I always knew that the “norm” was not meant for me. I’d love to say that I embraced it and went with the flow… I’d love to say my response was super spiritual and absolutely correct. I’d love to say that, but that is not the truth. It is the opposite of the truth. Instead I was scared by the prospect. Then I grew angry at God because I felt like He was withholding something from me because He somehow, despite what He said, He loved me less than everyone else.

What else was I to think when everyone around me was falling in love, getting married (or remarried), having great kids and happy families or remarkable careers. What else could it mean that year after year I had no one to bring home for the holidays let alone introduce to my family? How was I supposed to feel when people eventually stopped asking me when I was getting married, or when a close relative proclaimed that it was obvious I would never have children in their lifetime? Over time it wore me down and I was like Eve in the Garden questioning God’s true intent toward me. What a dangerous place that is to be! Nevertheless, it’s where I was.It is funny how I could see the problem so clearly in Eve, but could not see the same thing in my own heart. Talk about missing the beam in your own eye while worrying about the speck in someone else’s! Sheesh!

Then came the prayer that changed it all; one simple yet powerful sentence – “God show me, me” and did He ever! But love (e.g. God) is patient and kind. He worked me through it over time. He exposed every lie about Him for what it was. He went out of His way to woo me and regain my trust, and somewhere in the process, He made it okay for me to be who He created me to be. I won’t say that it has been peaches and cream since then because it hasn’t. There are still lonely days and nights, what ifs, and moments if fear, anger and doubt. I have been ridiculed, rejected and misunderstood AND I SURVIVED IT! Life has given me its worst and I made it through! You can too. (Phil 4:13)

Knowing God’s true heart toward me and being confident that He knows just where He is taking me has made all the difference. (Jer 29: 11-13) I stopped being embarassed about my life and apologizing for not being like everyone else. I got to the business of fulfilling my God-given destiny and purpose. I cannot tell you what a HUGE relief it has been.

I guess my whole point is sharing this is so that someone out there will stop running and learn to be okay with who God made them. He doesn’t hate you. He’s not angry with you. He loves you and has a great plan for you. Will you dare to allow him to take you there? Will you learn to love the skin you're in? I am praying so...

Untitled 2

2010-11-17T17:15:00.000-05:00

“I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…” (Romans 7:21-25a NLT)

On days like today I remember exactly why Paul was a man after my own heart. I can always tell when I need to regroup. There are tell -tale signs. My room and my car are a wreck, my nails are jagged and uneven, my thoughts are jumbled, and I just feel disconnected from myself; like I’m just going through the motions but not truly living. I become like a garbage can that is too full and the debris on the inside begins to spill outside. These times are very conflicting for me, because I like it better when everything is going well. Who doesn’t?

So today as I sit on this conference, call staring at my unkempt cuticles, wicked hangnails and ragged nails, I realize that I’ve been neglecting my “regrouping” time. In fact for months now I’ve been hitting the ground running every morning and falling into bed each night. I talk to God in the car (when I’m not “assisting” other drivers that is), but that designated alone time is has been non-existent, and I’m really feeling it today. In this moment of exhaustion and frustration, I understand more than I ever have why Jesus would go to a solitary place every morning to pray. My soul is thirsting for God’s presence right now and all I want to do is quench that thirst, so why don’t I just do it?

Good question. Here is my answer. I am in that place Paul talked about in Romans 7 where I know what I need to do, but I don’t do it; instead I do the very things I don’t want to do. It’s the worst, but it is part of life I suppose. Ordinarily this is where I would insert a long dissertation about my plan to fix this problem, but I won’t do that this time. Rather than make spiritually lofty statements about what I plan to do from this day forward, my plan is simply this: to take each day as it comes and do what I need to. My plan is not to beat myself up when I miss the mark, but to get up, dust myself off and start over instead. My plan is to rejoice on the days I get it right and repent on the days I don’t – remembering that God forgives me and so I must also forgive myself. My plan is to throw a load of clothes in the wash each night until it’s done (Oh who am I kidding? The laundry is NEVER “done”). My plan is to take a minute and file my nails. My plan is to do my best with every day I am given, one day at a time - that's it.

I guess the purpose of today’s post is to encourage us in our journey to remember to be gentle with ourselves because we are works in progress after all. God doesn’t expect perfection from us. He invites us to draw from Him - He IS perfection. That’s the only way we can ever hope to be better than we are. If we could do it in our own strength it would have been done. So join me as I take a deep breath, get up, dust off, and seize what is left of this glorious day! Be blessed!

Untitled

2010-11-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

I remember watching a television special many moons ago where Diana Ross premiered her song “Reach Out and Touch.”

“Reach out and touch somebody’s hand.

Make this world a better place if you can…”

I liked it instantly. I still do. It was catchy and made me feel good, like I wanted to just hug everybody. Lately, however, the song has taken on a new meaning for me. I never cease to be amazed by the fact that the more ways as we develop to connect to one another, the more disconnected we become. It boggles my mind that a girlfriend would text to me that she is having surgery the next day as opposed to calling so we could actually talk about it and maybe even pray.

It’s true that social networking sites have become the quickest and easiest way to disseminate information to the largest number of people at one time, and I get that that can be a good thing. I guess my issue is that we seem to be losing the ability to relate to one another in person. Social networking sites, IMs, emails and text messages provide a safety barrier so that we can be involved in people’s lives without really being involved. Can I just be honest and tell you that was the main reason I avoid going the dating site route. I know every case is different, in fact, some of my best friends are dating site couples, but for me I always felt like it was cultivating a virtual relationship because people can tell you whatever they want over the internet (I have friends that have been victims of that as well).

What can I say? I’m old school. I like hand signed cards and envelopes and long letters via snail mail. I like hearing your voice and you laugh. I love seeing your face when we talk, learning your facial expressions and what they mean. I like sharing a joke with a stranger in the grocery store or speaking to people as I pass them on the street – you know the stuff that only comes with real human contact. I remember laughing once at my mom for being the only one I knew who still went into the bank branch and talked to the tellers, but I understand now. They know her there. In fact when she fell last year and I went to make a deposit for her, there were all eyeballing me because they knew I wasn’t my mom, and when I told them why I was there instead of her, they asked me to pass on to her that they all wished her well. I like that!

Here’s the thing though, how about human relationships are what the gospel is all about?! First we get into relationship with Jesus then that relationship affects our relationships with the people around us. Jesus could have sent healing words to Peter’s mother in law over the net if it was available then, and they would have been just as powerful, but the human contact was important. She needed His touch and she needed to be able to demonstrate her gratitude by serving Him. The woman with the issue of blood, the 10 lepers, the blind man at the side of the road needed personal contact with Jesus, and as a result they knew Him in a way that the other people around them did not.

I saw the ambulance in front of a neighbor’s house yesterday as I was leaving for church. I thought about them all through service and felt a strong need to stop by on the way home, even though I don’t know them, to see if they needed anything. I thought about how many times the ambulance was at our front door when dad was alive; how stressful it was to spend hours in the ER waiting; and then trying to think about coming home and cooking or anything. With that in mind I acted on impulse and stopped by. I’ve never paid attention to the house before, but now that I was up close I could see what bad shape it was in. The blinds were broken, the curtains were yellowed, the yard was covered in leaves, the roof and windows were in need of repair. It showed all the signs of a place where hope had been lost. I rang the doorbell and waited. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the look on the face of the man who answered the door, the way he pulled the screen door in further, about broke my heart. I told him who I was and why I had stopped by, he gruffly told me that everything was fine and that they didn’t need anything, then he thanked me for my concern and closed the door and that was that.

My first impulse was to beat myself up about how things went but before I could put the gloves on God reminded me that I am in a battle against culture and society where no one knows their neighbors; where we are leery; suspicious and fearful of strangers often because we have to be; where independence and self reliance are the mark of success while interdependence is equated to weakness; where reaching out to someone we don’t know is the exception not the rule.

It would seem that while I’ve been living inside a Norman Rockwell painting for the past thirty years, the world has changed. I’m left with choices… So, do I let it depress me? Do I conform and allow it to change who I am? OR Do I continue to be different? Do I purposely seek out authentic relationships with the people around me? Do I reach out beyond my circle to the personal touch that so many desperately need? I choose to keep it personal even if it puts me in the minority. What about you? What will you choose?

Caffeinated Randomness

2010-09-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

Random is a perfect word for the day I'm having, so I decided to participate in Andrea's Caffeinated Randomness today... so here are the things on my mind to day in no particular order... in other words... random. :o)

1. I'm wondering how the cleaning crew keeps managing to miss the HUGE WINGED cockroach in the basement on the way to the elevator... I'm just saying, he's been there since TUESDAY!!! You mean to tell me NOBODY else sees that??? Now I get what my mom was talking about.... It's just as well because it seems I'm becoming her! LOL! {As I thought about it a little more, I'm thinking since he's dead, he's not a priority clean up... yeah that's got to be it.}

2. I'm wondering why people always feel the need to explain themselves to me. Do I give off that vibe like you're in trouble or something? Do I make that face - you know the one your mom made that made you spill your guts in spite of yourself? Because I truly don't mean to. Perfect example - I walk into the ladies room the other day and there is a woman just inside the door wiping off her legs with a paper towel. Whatever, I just want to get around her so I can use the facilities, but she stops me to explain that she rides her bike in to work and the dust from the trail sticks to her legs... Um, okayyy - can I go in the stall now??? These kinds of things happen to me all the time, so I'm trying not to make eye contact with people anymore. I'll let you know how it works.

3. I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to maintain my composure at my nephew's first football game or if I will run onto the field and go after someone else's kid for tackling my baby so hard. What can I say, in my mind he will always be that little bitty baby I woke up with in the middle of the night, held in my arms, fed and burped, talked to, and prayed over... When he got tubes put in his ears, I cried right along with him... On second thought maybe I'll stay home on game days...

4. Talking with some elementary school friends this past weekend and I'm trying to figure out when we went from being embarrassed about our parents to being the ones our kids are embarrassed about! I mean what changed? We are still the cool people we always were...aren't we???Why can't they see it? As Florie said - at least she showed up at the school dressed. Her mom used to show up for her in rollers, pajamas and slippers!!!

5. And last but not least, I'm having trouble understanding why the ladies room, that is so nice and neat every morning, always winds up looking like the scene of a Civil War re-enactment by 4:00 every day. I mean what exactly goes on in there - the daily paper towel championships?? (More importantly, why am I never invited? I have a great right arm...) It reminds me of that time in elementary school when I accidentally walked into the boys bathroom, looked up, and saw the wads of tp they had thrown into the ceiling. It was like stucco, only not!

Well, I'm afraid that's all I have time for today. I hope you have enjoyed your trip into the inner recesses of my mind. Thanks for stopping by and rest assured that no brain cells were injured in the making of this post... not seriously anyway! Happy Weekend All. :o)

Random Dozen

2010-09-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

Decided to lighten it up today by participating in Linda's Random Dozen meme. Stop by if you get a chance and do the same. Happy Wednesday!

1. Describe the best sandwich in the world, according to you.
That would have to be a steak and cheese with lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, sweet and hot peppers, oregano and a touch of mayo. Mmmm.

2. Which inspires you more: a good conversation, a song, a book or movie?
They are all pretty much neck in neck, but a song wins by a hair. From the time I was a toddler whenever my mom wanted to settle me down she would sing or play a song and I would instantly quiet down. In the words of the O’Jays, “I love music!”

3. What is your favorite board game?
It’s actually a homemade version of Trouble that my older brother made up one Christmas Eve called Catrapuz. It’s the funnest!!!

4. As you grow older, are you more or less patient with small children?
It depends… on my mood and on the child, but in general, I would say more patient.

5. Name one item you never let yourself run out of.
toilet paper, for obvious reasons. :o)

6. Do you agree with Tennyson's assertion, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"
I do. For all the pain of loss, there are a lot of worthwhile life lessons we gain from having loved. I also believe that many times, “the one that got away,” was SUPPOSED to!

7. Name one national treasure or monument that you have visited.
I was going to say that I hadn't really been to any - because I am guilty of not taking advantage of what's in my own backyard, but then I remembered that I visited Ground Zero in 2005. It was a profound experience to say the least.

8. Which is more painful, to be disappointed in someone else or to be disappointed in yourself?
Definitely to be disappointed in myself – since I can only control my own actions/reactions and not anyone else’s.

9. What makes your kitchen uniquely yours?
I currently live with my parents, so I’m thinking this question doesn’t apply yet, but when I lived alone, I’d say it was the refrigerator magnets because they each reflected a piece of who I am.

10. Are you a crafty person?
Depends on the craft and my patience level on a given day, but I can be.

11. What is your favorite traditional picnic or bbq (cookout) food?
Homemade burgers. Mmmm.

12. Name one leisurely activity you enjoyed over Labor Day Weekend.
Speaking of crafty, I gave my bedroom a much needed face lift this weekend and it turned out pretty nice if I say so myself. :o)

Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times

2010-09-07T11:34:00.002-04:00

Many of you know that my dad has dementia. Dealing with this illness has been difficult for me and for my family. For my mother it means coming to terms with the fact that the man she sees everyday is no longer the man she married. For my siblings and me, it means watching the man we grew up with change into someone we don’t recognize. Each one of us is dealing with the situation in his or her own way; quietly processing our personal pain and exercising our faith. For me, of course, writing is a big part of my process, so here goes…

The situation with my dad has put me in an awkward place; a place of uncertainty. I am less that fond of this place because it reminds me that I am NOT in control, which is a slightly troublesome thought for a control freak such as myself! In this place I have experienced a slew of emotions: fear, sadness, anger, bewilderment, joy (yes joy), love… You name it and I have experienced it. In all of this, one thing I am so grateful for is a God who allows us to go through our processes in our own time and in our own way. He is not put off by my stinky attitudes, my anger, my fear, my doubt. None of it catches Him by surprise and for all of it His grace remains sufficient.

Recently, I have felt kind of distant from God. I realized a few days ago that it is directly related to the situation with my dad and the fact that there are so many things I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand how someone who dedicated his life to God’s service deserves to live out his latter days like this.
I don’t understand how someone who once wrote so beautifully now cannot write a simple letter, or how a man who moved people and changed lives through the inspired words he spoke, now has trouble completing a sentence.
I don’t understand how the man who was once so full of life now sleeps 85% of the time.
I don’t understand how the man I had to run alongside to keep up with now moves so painfully slowly.
I don’t understand what this experience is like for my dad.
I don’t understand how the parent, becomes the child…

There are no pat answers to my questions; no simple words of comfort, although I so wish there were. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I have decided to work on shifting my focus from the many things that I don’t understand to things that I know. My list so far goes a little something like this (feel free to add more if you think of any):

I know that God is FOR me (Ps 56:9 NKJV)
I know that God will not put more on me that I can bear (I Corinthians 10:13 MSG)
I know that God never sleeps nor slumbers do I don’t have to be awake nights (Ps 121 3-4 NIV)
I know that God is faithful (Lam 3: 22-24 NLT)
I know God is with me (Isa 43: 1-3a NLT)
I know that God is working all things together for good (Rom 8: 28 NKJV)
I know that God has a plan (Jer 29:11)
I know that God never leaves us nor forsakes us (Heb 13:5 MSG)

In spite of everything that I don’t know, I know that all of the Word of God is true independent of my circumstances and for now, that is what I’m standing on. If you are facing difficulties today, won’t you stand with me on The ONLY Sure Foundation – Jesus Christ? He is guaranteed to see us through and to that, my friends, is Good News! Now have yourself an awesome day.

Waiting...

2010-08-30T13:18:00.001-04:00

Waiting by Margaret Warfield
(used with permission)

I keep trying to move in a particular direction career-wise, but every time I do, something always stops me. The move makes sense, it is logical, even desirable; but there’s a knowing in me that it is not the will of God for me – at least not right now. So the order of the day is to stay put.

In the mean time, I like where I am and what I’m doing, but there is a familiar restlessness brewing just below the surface. This “antsy” feeling always stirs before God brings any major change in my life. It happened when I picked up and moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania back in 1998. It happened when I moved back. It happened when I registered for school last May to finally finish my bachelor’s degree. It is happening now as I hear the whispers about graduate school that I’m not so ready to hear yet! So I know the feeling well.

I know the drill, so to speak. So now I am in listening mode; spending time in silence and in prayer And I am waiting… Waiting for God to say something, show me something, lead me somewhere, bring someone my way... I’m expecting. Without a doubt my Christian journey has been a great adventure and I am looking forward to where this next chapter leads me, but sometimes the waiting can be brutal!

Do you find yourself in “waiting” mode today? Are you tempted to take action, any action, just to feel like you are moving forward? Can I suggest to you that even in our waiting we are moving forward. As we open ourselves to hear from God concerning our lives, and to obey what we hear, we are indeed moving forward. It may not feel like it, but we are.

That antsy feeling can be powerful, but we can’t allow it to move us before it is time for us to move. Margaret Warfield, the artist who created the painting above, said it best, “There is a season for all things, including a season to wait. Cherish your wait time and learn from it.” This is my prayer for those of us who find ourselves waiting. Blessings to you today!

On Being Beguiled

2010-07-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

“The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the LORD God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”

“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. 3 “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’”

“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”

The woman was convinced...” (Gen 3:1-6a, NLT)

Guys, I have been struggling lately and it put me in an interesting place. It wasn’t a dry spell exactly, but I believe that would have been the next step had I not decided to deal with my heart. The thing is, the issue did not just spring up. It has been brewing, stirring, percolating over time; very subtle, behind the scenes. Even though I know better, I chose to ignore it, so a small crack turned into a hole, then into a major break. The waters came rushing in and I was being swept away.

I wonder at human nature sometimes or at least at my nature. There is a reason why God repeats himself to us. There is a reason why He reminds us of the same truths over and over. It’s because we tend to forget. Paul hit it on the head when he talked about how we look at our image in a mirror and then immediately forget what we look like when we walk away.

The Bible also talks about knowing how our enemy operates so we can withstand his attacks. After all, we don't want to unwittingly give Satan an opening for yet more mischief—we're not oblivious to his sly ways! (2 Cor 2:11, MSG) Knowing his tactics is one of the things that helps us avoid his traps and plans for us.

So how does all this tie in together? I’m glad you asked! You see, as I was floating along I started thinking about Eve and the serpent in the Garden. The Bible often makes things look as though they happened one right after the other and there are a lot of gaps that are not filled in for us. The story of Eve is no exception. Reading it gives the impression that one day a serpent walked up to her, said a few words, she and Adam ate the fruit, and sin entered the world. I think this was the end result of a process

I believe that the serpent had been working on Eve the whole time. First he studied her for a while before he ever approached her. He watched her actions and reactions, learned what she responded to, and discovered her likes and dislikes. Once he had a handle on that he started showing up in her circles. He didn’t interact with her directly, he just started coming around so she would get comfortable with him being there. Next he started having harmless conversation with her - the weather, the beauty of the Garden, how things were going with Adam, etc… small talk to get her even more comfortable and to lower her defenses. Finally, after who knows how long he had her where he wanted here and in one of their conversations, but brought up the Forbidden Tree. It was a work of time, because our enemy if patient, persistent, and relentless.

The enemy has not changed his M.O. He still studies us, learns what makes us tick, plots and plans what will work best on us. He still starts to show up in our circles to make us comfortable with him. He engages us in conversation and we lower our defenses. Then he zeroes in for the kill (because his purpose in coming is only to steal kill and destroy (John 10:10) - that never changes either). He questions us about what God has told us and we start thinking about his questions. We begin to believe that God is holding out on us and before we know it, we sitting in front of a heaping bowl of Forbidden Fruit Salad!

Knowing this about him, I still forget and, like recently, I miss it. Sometimes I let my guard down and slack on my vigilance. Sometimes I don’t catch on until I am being swept away. In those times I am thankful for a God who doesn’t mind repeating himself, who doesn’t mind saying it until I “get” it, and for a God who always stands ready to receive, forgive and cleanse me when I miss the mark.

I encourage you today to be on your guard and not ignore those subtle, small cracks. If you find that you are being swept away know that you can turn and run to the loving arms of the Father who is slow to anger and full of compassion and lovingkindness. He knows we tend to forget and He has made provision for us. Isn’t that great news today? I sure think so!

Have a blessed one!

Overcoming Intimidation

2010-06-07T13:27:00.000-04:00

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b - 3a, MSG)

Previously, I mentioned shutting down last semester because I was overwhelmed, and I was, but there is more to the story. I’m not sure who, but I have the feeling someone needs to see this and so once again, I’m bearing my imperfect self for the world to see…

It was a warm afternoon in late August 1984 when I kissed my parents and watched the car roll away. I turned and walked into what would be my home for the next 3 months; a dorm room at a najor university. I was excited about what lay ahead of me, but I was also scared. If I was honest, I did not really know what I was doing there. I had no major, no goals. Basically, I was there because college was the thing you did after high school… Long story short, freshman year was an academic disaster. My new-found freedom proved to be more than I could handle, and, come May, I found myself headed for home.

I spent the next year at a local community college building up my GPA so I could be admitted the state university the following year. I did just that and Phase 2 of my college career began. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do, nor did I have any concrete goals in mind. I changed majors 4 times, finally settling on psychology, and that only because the clourses came easiest to me. Besides, people were telling me all their problems all the time anyway, so I figured I may as well make a living at it.

I was behind the students around me because of my shaky beginnings, so I was in school until the summer of 1990. After a year of mindless experiments and endless calculation of data, not to mention handling those nasty pigeons, I choked. A sense of intimidation just consumed me. I doubted that I could finish; that I could graduate. I don’t know if all the years of trying not to stand out academically were finally catching up with me or what, but in the end I just could not close the deal. So at the end of summer semester, I watched my peers complete their requirements and graduate. Defeated and discouraged I entered the working world vowing to come back and finish some day…

I tried to go back a few times in the years that followed, but timing, finances, or whatever, were always off. Finally the opportunity came up in May of 2009 to go back and get this done. I did my homework, found out how many credits I had left to complete an English degree (what I should have been doing all along) and I got busy. First semester I hit the ball out of the park, but these last two were a challenge. This last one in particular started to feel like I had before. I battled intimidation like I had not done since summer of 1990. I questioned myself and my abilities. I considered dropping it once and for all. What was I really doing it for anyway? I kept hearing all the negative tapes from the past playing in my mind. I truly thought I wasn’t going to make it - again, BUT GOD!

Just when I thought the negativity would overtake me and I would end up like I had before - with nothing - God showed up. He reassured me that I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. He reminded me that I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me. He affirmed the fact that I am His and that He’s got me engraved in the palm of His hand. I could feel strength and confidence returning to me and I knew I was going to be alright.

There are many things in life that have the potential to stop us in our tracks and paralyze us; and understandably so. Fear is a normal human emotion, however, left unchecked it can keep us from our destiny. Whoever this is for, I encourage you not to let intimidation and fear get you, or keep you, off track. Don’t get stuck there. What you are facing may be new and unknown, it may be something that you’ve been up against before, but it is not impossible. Like Joyce Meyer said, “sometimes you have to do it afraid.” There is such freedom in knowing you don’t have to be fearless in order to act; the thing is to ACT. So go ahead - step out there, leap, run, walk, or crawl if you have to, but get moving. Most importantly, don’t lose sight of the fact that you are not in this alone. God Himself is with you and has empowered you to reach your goals. Whatever you do, don’t let the lies of the enemy keep God’s purposes for you from coming to pass.

Beloved, You can do it! You Can Do It! YOU CAN DO IT!!! Now on your mark… get set… GO!

Summer Memories

2010-06-04T17:23:00.002-04:00

Technically summer doesn’t officially start until the 21st, but the weather around here is telling a different story.

Every year since we moved away, my mind has always drifted back around this time to childhood summers in that little white house on the corner house in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. Out of all the great memories I carry with me, those are among the greatest I have.

I remember the mounting excitement in our hearts as the end of school drew near and the days got longer. Soon we’d be free to run and explore; and there was always something waiting to be discovered.

If I close my eyes and inhale just right, I can smell the honeysuckle that grew all around our house. (Incidentally we have a bush that sprung up at our current house too and I am convinced God put it there just for me!)

If I get really quiet I can hear our childish laughter as we rode our bikes around the Shepherd College baseball diamond across the street. The school was my backyard and I always thought I’d go to college there... funny how life turns out, huh?

I see the intense process of choosing up sides for one of our extended kickball games. We would play until the street lights came on (that’s when everyone had to be home or be on their way home), one of us would write down the score and we’d pick up where we left off the next day.

On the occasional night when we were allowed to stay out a little later we would catch lightning bugs, keep them in mason jars with holes poked in the lids, and set them free the next morning (well, the ones that survived anyway...).

I can taste Red Eye soda and sour cream and onion Doritos - one bag and one bottle for like six or seven of us on a hot afternoon. Or sometimes we'd pool our money, walk to the store (there was only one) and come home with a tiny paper bag jammed with penny candy that actually cost a penny!

Those were some great times… I haven’t been back there in years, but I’m feeling the need to go and to remember… perhaps this summer… All I can say is John Denver had it right - West Virginia is indeed, almost Heaven! Enjoy your summer!

I'm Still Here!

2010-06-03T16:40:00.001-04:00

Have you been wondering what in the world happened to me?? So have I! The truth is that I spent the better part of the last 3 months in a constant state of “overhelmed-ness.” I was dealing with work, home, school, church, and all the other things that make up this thing we call “life.” Now, I am fully aware that I am not the only person on the planet with multiple balls in the air. Multitasking is simply a fact of modern day life, the rule rather than the exception. In fact, I do believe I saw it as one of the requirements on a recent job announcement!

Here is the thing, I happen to be one who isn’t particularly skilled at juggling. I do better with nice, neat, orderly, one-task-at-a-time kind of thing. Would that life was like that, but alas it is not… Ordinarily I can fake it well enough to at least give the appearance of keeping up. Ever once in a while though, it gets the best of me and I just cave. I check out and slip into my own little world. Unfortunately many things suffer when that happens (see date of my last blog).

There I was scrambling to get final papers done, study for my final, see about my dad who was rushed to ER, lead worship, maintain at work, submit my exemplify blog on time and squeeze a little “me time” in there somewhere. Oi Vey! Signs of a break down were all around me - fast food bags overflowing from the garbage can, barely a place to step in my room (always a dead giveaway), laundry up to my ears, and a perpetual upset stomach. By the end of the day I was reduced to a heap staring blankly at the TV or the wall - whichever was easiest - until I fell asleep.

Somewhere in the process God got crowded out (I wonder why He is always the first thing to go when life gets crazy…) So yeah, personal bible study, prayer time, worship time - all of it was non existent and I could feel something in me shriveling up. I knew what I needed to do, but couldn’t seem to find the energy to do it.

In the midst of everything God was near. I was aware of His presence in a new, constant and very real way. At the end of one particularly hectic day I contemplated whether or not to just go ahead and lose it. My mind was racing and I couldn’t get it to stop. In that moment, I heard God say “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (Matt 11:28 NLT) Boy did that sound good to my weary soul! How great is it to serve a God who understands that sometimes we get weary and offers us rest in Him?!

My intent was to turn, run and take a flying leap into His lap, but stopped short when the enemy chimed in (man, he gets on my nerves!) “Why should He receive you? You haven’t been reading or praying or anything. How does it look to run to Him when you need something, after ignoring Him for so long?” Wow, he is good, isn’t he? For a moment I started to take that nonsense in, but I was reminded of how I sensed God with me the whole time regardless of what I was or was not doing because he’s not like mankind. God is simply who He is independent of what we do; His love is unconditional and everlasting. How’s that for a pick-me-up?! I am forever grateful for the way the Father carried me through and allowed me to go through my process. As a result, I woke up this past weekend and just snapped out of my funk! Somehow it all got done. Here I am at the beginning of a hectic summer semester, but I’m not overwhelmed because I know I am not alone.

So yeah, that’s where I’ve been.

Random Dozen

2010-04-28T13:20:00.000-04:00

Another fun list from Linda over at 2nd Cup of Coffee. Join the fun - you know you want to!

1. Have you ever been so lost that you were really afraid?

I have and it was so not a good feeling... I turned down the radio (I never understood why we do that), and leaned closer into the steering wheel, because somehow that helps?! LOL! Anyway, it ended well. I kept driving and somehow God eventually got me to someplace familiar and from there all was right with the world again!

2. Have you ever been to an island?

Yes, I went to Jamaica in 1988 for a wedding and LOVED it. I’ve been trying to get back ever since! I also went to the Bahamas in 1992 (my last real “vacation”) and it was a blast. Next stop - Aruba maybe? I was so born for sun and water.

3. Are you more of a thinker or feeler?

Definitely a feeler. I have to just go with the flow most times or I would have “thinked” myself out of so many things that I needed to experience. Not that I don’t use wisdom, I’ve just stopped over thinking every little thing.

4. Do you tend to see issues or situations in life as black and white or shades of gray?

My tendency is to see things in black and white, but I’m learning that things are not always so cut and dry. Basically on the essentials it’s black or white; on the non essentials shades of gray are ok.

5. If you were stuck on an island, what book would you hope to have with you (Let's pretend the Bible is already there, so you can't say that.)

An endless supply of cranberry juice for starters, a stabucks, a chipotle and a borders… if a place like this really existed you may never hear from me again!

6. What are you most afraid of?

Ugh! I don’t want to say…

7. Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?

Wow, that’s a tough one… I think I’d rather lose the old ones only because it would greatly reduce my tendency to relive the past. Instead I would be focused on the new.

8. Pretend I'm looking at a scrapbook page about you. There are three spaces for you to drop in individual pictures. What are those pictures of, and why did you select them?

First, I would choose my passport pic from when I was 10 because it shows a determination in my face to make a difference in the world. The girl in that picture had no doubt she was destined for great things. I envy her. I miss her. Second picture would be from my college years - a reminder of how much fun I had and how much better things were that I thought at the time. And the third picture would be the one of the ones I took yesterday, my 44th b-day, because I see traces of that 10 year old in there and that makes me happy.

9. If you were re-doing your wedding, what would you do differently? (If you're single, tell me one thing you would do if you were planning a wedding OR huge party.)

Unlike every normal American woman, I have not pictured my wedding since I was 5 years old… I think it's because I have always know that if I do get married, my wedding is going to be so different from the "norm." That being said, my main thing would be to get input/involvement from the groom because it’s not just my day, it’s "our" day. Also, I would want to incorporate both of our cultures in some way. (I've also always felt my husband will be from another race/culture from me... we'll see).

10. Tell me one thing you know/believe about forgiveness.

I know for sure that it doesn’t just free the forgiven, it frees the forgiver who was the real prisoner in the first place.

11. You're waiting in a doctor's office. What is your favorite way to pass that time?

Reading… preferably my own book because the magazines are usually so old.

12. If there were a clone of you in a parallel universe what is one way you hope she/he would be the same as you and one way you hope she/he would be better?

She would have to have my same sense of humor - that’s a must! I would hope she would be better than me when it came to consistency.

The Gospel According to Nate

2010-04-27T11:01:00.001-04:00

I may have mentioned my youngest nephew a few times. He is such a character and has been pretty much from birth; so full of personality and opinions it is fascinating. He's also very funny, whether he knows it or not.

I remember a couple Christmases ago, my sister was working with him to explain what Christmas is really all about. She didn't want him to get caught up in the commercial side of it or the presents or Santa Claus. She wanted him to know it is about Jesus. She thought the best way to explain it to a two year old was to tell him that Christmas was Jesus' birthday. He seemed fine with that explanation, so she continued to explain as simply as she could who Jesus is and how much he loved Nate.

Nate sat and thought about it for a while and then blurted out, "Jesus doesn't love me! He doesn't even know me!!" She had barely recovered from his indignant response before he added, "I'm still gonna eat some of his cake though!" We laughed about that for days.

Fast forward nearly two years to the Good Friday that just passed. We were on our way to my church for service. I thought it would be nice to take my mom and my nephews with me. En route to the church Nate comments that this was not the way to his house. I explained that we were not going to his house we were going to Jesus' house. He snorted and replied, "Jesus' house?!" Then, in a tone that betrayed how dumb he thought I was, he says, "Jesus doesn't live in a house he lives in our hearts (all that was missing was the duhhhh). We just can't see Him because he's in there really deep." My mom and I chuckled and then I asked if Jesus lived in his heart. He sighed and said, "ye-es!" (again the duh was implied). He was pretty much done with the conversation, or perhaps with me, after that, but you gotta live his theology!

Random Dozen

2010-04-20T09:45:00.004-04:00

1. Ever had any run-ins with the "library police?"

The what??? Didn't even know there was such a thing... so I'm going to say, "no." By the way, that George Washington story is a hoot! Wonder where the books are though... (See Linda's blog for the reference)

2. Do you have a special organizational plan and place for wrapping paper, gift bags, etc., or do you just purchase whatever you need as you give gifts?

I have leftovers in a bin, but still almost always buy new stuff as I get gifts. Why? Was someone else's name on a giftbag I gave you?

3. Have you ever been in (first-hand witness) a natural disaster?

Not unless you count this year's blizzard that closed my job down for 5 days, shut the area down and knocked power out for a lot of people...

4. What's your favorite Barry Manilow song?

Copacabana - hands down! How can you not dance when you hear it? Her name was Lola! She was a showgirl... See what I mean? I saw you swaying in your chair just now! LOL!

5. What's the best costume you've ever worn?

One year I dressed up as a nurse (a la Dihann Carroll on 'Julia') but I was not allowed to wear the mask because it scared my little brother to death. I kept the mask for a few years after that and would pull it out every once in a while to keep him in line... oh, it seems I may have revealed too much?? Scratch that... A nurse costume and that's my final answer!

6. Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?

Dictionary. the thesaurus and I are still defining our relationship whereas the dictionary and I go waaaayyy back.

7. What's your favorite breakfast food?

WAFFLES! no wait... BACON... do I have to choose just one? If so, I gonna go with um...WACON. :o)

8. Have you ever purchased anything from an infomercial?

Yes - more times than I care to admit. The most recent was the Soul of the 70s CD collection (that Cuba Gooding Sr is quite the salesman). What they neglected to tell me was that $19.99 was just the first installment followed by 2 more installments of $75!! So yeah, I will pretty much listen to them every day for the rest of my life! LOL!

9. Have you ever crawled through a window?

Yes, once when I was locked out of the house. I still think my older sister locked me out on purpose, but I could never prove it...

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes and no... I think it's more like attraction at first sight. Love is so much deeper and takes time to develop. I do believe you can see someone and know in an instant that he's "the one," but I think it's more the exception than the rule.

11. How man pairs of jeans do you own?

4 - isn't that pathetic?

12. If someone were going to bake a cake to honor/represent you, what would it be? (Think creatively, like Duff and Crew on "Ace of Cakes.")

It would be a big journal propped up so you could see the outside cover, which would have some kind of psychadelic 70s pattern (flowers, peace signs, smileys, etc)on it; opened to a new page and a colored pen - like hot pink - sitting next to it. Not that I've given it much thought or anything! LOL!

A fun way to start off the day - Thanks Linda!

Tis the Season!

2010-04-09T10:20:00.000-04:00

Nevertheless He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good, gave us rain from heaven and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness.” Acts 14:17 (NKJV)

From the moment I crossed the threshhold this morning on my way to the car my eyes begain to water incessantly. No biggie. I'm used to it, I just work around it.

Spring knows how much I look forward to its arrival; how much joy and hope it brings. Spring knows I can't live without it; that I get revived by the new life it brings. Spring knows I am crazy about it and that, in spite of the physical havoc it can wreak, I just can not stay away!

I know I have said before that I am not an outdoors girl, and in a camping, hiking, bugs and critters, squatting in the bushes kind of way, that's true (picture Vicki in The Parent Trap and there you have it!). Even so, I adore being out in the spring. I crave the feel of the sun's warmth seeping through my pores and spreading deep down to the marrow; warming me from the inside. Pardon the cliche, but in that moment I feel like I am one with the universe! (I so wish there was a way to say that that didn't sound so... well... like that sounded! LOL!) So yeah, nothing compares that feeling. It's like a bear hug from God Himself.

However, like all things in life, there is a price to pay for "oneness with the universe..." Spring also brings some not so beautiful things such as itchy watery eyes, scratchy throat, and sinus drama. Of course there are drugs I can take for all that and when it gets to be too much I do. The bottom line is, it is so worth the price of admission just to be a part of the beauty of springtime; to be a part of the renewal all around. To hear the birds sing a new song, see the bees at work (as long as they don't get on me that is!), and smell the freshness of plants and flowers in bloom - how can anyone stay inside and miss all that?

Maybe it is because of the harsh winter we had, but whatever the reason, I have an even greater appreciation for spring this year in spite of the love-hate relationship we share. I mean, so what it I am afraid to touch the car door handle that is coated with pollen (not good because I am always touching my face)? Who cares that tears spontaneously start to stream down my face at the precise moment I choose to smile back at dude in the car next to me? What does it matter that some days I would prefer to leave my nose on the nightstand to until some time in summer? For me, the positives of spring far outweigh the negatives.

So, look for me on the road this weekend - headed no place in particular. I'll be the one with the sunroof and windows open, hair blowing in the wind, music blasting, and eyes watering -soaking in the beauty of the season that I love. Happy Spring All!

Revelation on Ice...

2010-04-08T15:06:00.003-04:00

One of the many things I love about God is the fact that He is a teacher. Not only that, but He uses anything and everything to illustrate His point. As a visual learner, I appreciate this type of teaching most. You can tell me all day long and eventually I will get it, but show me, I’ve got it instantly. I had one of those life lessons over the past few days.

I have suffered from severe and chronic anemia for all of my adult life. At one point my levels were so low I had to get a transfusion (Can you say first and LAST time!). Yeah, from then on I got serious about taking my iron supplements regularly and anything else the doctors recommended. One of the symptoms of my deficiency was an insatiable craving for ice of all things. I was always chewing on ice - and I mean always. I would buy Super Big Gulp cups at regular price and fill them with ice and chew 2 - 3 cups a day. I would ask for to-go cups filled with ice whenever I went to a restaurant. It was bad. I was like a drug addict. I had this habit for years and never put two-and-two together.

Once I started taking my iron daily and eating more iron rich foods, the habit I had been helpless to break for years disappeared in a matter of weeks. The desire that used to consume me simply vanished, as though it never even existed. I was amazed at the sense of freedom that I gained from being free of my long time habit. Overtime however, my life grew more hectic and I neglected taking my iron and watching my eating habits. I stopped listening to my body, so I missed warning signs. I dismissed light headedness and pushed through overwhelming fatigue. I should have caught the hint when I willingly selected liver and onions for lunch on several occasions (our bodies crave things for a reason). They eye-opener came when four days ago (and every day since then), I started eating ice again after over three years without it. It’s nowhere near the extreme I was at before and the good news is I know what I need to do.

I share all this because God used my situation to send me a loving warning. The physical realm mirrors the spiritual realm. In this case, my spiritual “ice” is any habit that is not good for me; that robs me spiritually. So, I read the Word and learn what I need do to overcome it - my spiritual “iron pill,” if you will. I put it into practice regularly and what do you know - it works! Over time, or sometimes immediately, the thing that had a hold on me for so long disappears and I am free of it! God’s deliverance makes it as though it never even existed. Over time my confidence gets the better of me and I let the things that led to my deliverance slip. Without fail, that habit creeps right back into my life. The good news is I know what I need to do.

Why not take inventory of your life today? Is there something that you overcame before that has resurfaced? Don’t despair; it happens because we are human after all. The key is to recognize it and then to go back to doing those things that brought you deliverance before and you will surely enjoy freedom again. Don’t beat yourself up or label yourself as hopeless. God always stands with arms open wide, ready to receive us, renew us and refresh us as many times as we need Him to!! Now that's a reason to rejoice right there because your ice chewing days will soon be behind you!

Random Dozen

2010-04-07T15:29:00.001-04:00

1. Define a great relationship.
A great relationship for me is one where we can talk about absolutely anything or nothing at all; where we see each other at our worst and still believe the best; and where love has the final say! Or one where we laugh nonstop - either one is good for me! :)

2. Why is it called a "drive-through" if you have to stop? (Real question: What was the last food/drink you purchased at a drive-through?)
Response to the first question - LOL! Response to the "real" question - No! But I'm so glad you didn't ask me this last night! ;o)

3. As I type this, the Butler Bulldogs are getting ready to play in the NCAA championship game. Every Hoosier is hysterical about this except me. So in honor of the Bulldogs ... what is your favorite breed of dog? (I tried.)
I don't have a favorite, but growing up we had a German Shepherd/Doberman mix - BEST DOG EVER!!! If I could get another like her, that'd be my favorie!

4. If you had to move to a state besides the one you currently live in, where would you move?
Either TN or GA - I love the slower pace and the old town friendliness - DC/MD/VA... not so much!

5. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
I know this is going to sound cliche, but I wouldn't really change anything. Although I may not have appreciated it then, I am thankful for the values and character that my parents instilled in me. Ok, I would have a better relationship with my father.

6. Who's the funniest person you know?
My friend Elijah - he's so over the top. It can even make you mad sometimes, but you'll still be smiling! :)

7. Did you get enough sleep last night?
Nope... but I sure plan to make up for it ASAP.

8. What's the first thing you thought about this morning?
No thinking in the morning - way too early... Oh wait! Maybe I was already thinking about the caramel machiatto I was going to need because of number 7.

9. Grilled or Fried? --HONESTLY
I don't know if it's an age thing or what, but I'm gonna have to go with grilled. I'm more into taste these days and less into grease... especially if you are referring to KFC!

10. Are you afraid of the dark?
Not at all. I like it darker than pitch black when I go to bed. I'll admit there are some scary things in the dark, but then I can't see 'em so what does it matter! :)

11.When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A Charlie's Angel (no lie) I was gunning for Jaclyn's role! :D

12. If you had one word to describe yourself , what would you choose?
Different (I mean that in a good way of course) - I'm never what you were expecting and I'm so ok with that!

Random Dozen

2010-03-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

1. On a scale of 1-10, how superstitious are you, honestly?
I'd have to say 1. It still amazes me that one of my girlfriends has us walk backwards whenever we split a pole... EVERY single time... I mean seriously??

2. Julius Caesar is quoted as saying, "I came, I saw, I conquered." Which circumstance or experience of yours does this saying best describe?
Spider Solitaire. I am a master of the two-suit game now and I'm ready for my next challenge.

3. If I peeked in on your day like a mischievous little leprechaun, at what time would I most likely find you blogging?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might incriminate myself...

4. Re springing forward for Daylight Saving Time, is there anything you've ever been really early or really late for?
I wasn't late, but I sure cut it close for church Sunday morning, which might not have mattered as much if I weren't LEADING WORSHIP this past Sunday!! YIKES! Oh, and there was the one time back in high school time where I (and a couple other kids too)was REALLY early (like an hour early) on the bustop... yawn.

5. What are you most looking forward to concerning Spring?
warmer temps and growing things - leaves, flowers, grass... I'm ready for some color and some life! I'm even looking forward to bees!! :)

6. Shamrocks are the national flower of Ireland and are picked on St. Patrick's Day and worn on the lapel or shoulder. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
Sometimes I do.. today is not one of those times only because it's too cold for the green shirt I have.

7. One of Caesar's assassins, Casca, said, "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me," which of course means he didn't understand something. Probably his own lines in the play. Anyway, what is something that is "Greek to you," something incomprehensible or indecipherable?
MATH! Namely trigonometry and calculus... WHAT????

8. Is March behaving more like a lion or a lamb where you live?
Like a lamb so far, but we are waiting for the other paw/hoof to drop...

9. "An extra yawn one morning in the springtime, an extra snooze one night in the autumn is all that we ask in return for dazzling gifts. We borrow an hour one night in April; we pay it back with golden interest five months later." -Winston Churchill. If you had one extra hour per day every day, what would you do with it?
I would love to have a profound, deep answer, but truthfully, I'd probably piddle it away the same way I do the 24 I get now... :o/

10. Legend says that every Leprechaun has a pot of gold hidden deep in the Irish countryside. Aside from real gold or money, what material item would be in your dream pot of gold?
That's easy, gallons and gallons of soy caramel machiatto. Mmmm... :P

11. "The best things are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of God just before you." Robert Louis Stevenson. Look around you right now and tell us about something essential or beautiful very near you that you take for granted every day.
That would be my water bottle. I have GOT to do better by it.

12. Just for a bit o' fun, click here (www.blogthings.com/irishnamegenerator/) and then report your Irish name. Mine is "Zoe O'Sullivan." I love it!
Ok, I can't pronounce the first name at all, but my Irish name is (drum roll please)... Caoimhe Kavanagh.

Thanks Linda, this was fun!

Philippians 4:13!

2010-03-08T11:19:00.000-05:00

My but this is going to be a busy week! You may have noticed that I don’t blog daily anymore; sometimes weeks go by in between posts. I apologize for the inconsistency. I blame it on the fact that life has made some demands on me lately that give me much less free time. Sometimes I look at what is ahead of me and wonder if or how I will get it all done. You know those times when you’re reading a familiar passage in the Bible and it suddenly leaps off the page and comes to life in your life? Well that happened to me a few minutes ago.

Work, family, school (a major essay due Saturday by midnight!), a business plan (due by the middle of the week)…and the list goes on. The day was going along just fine and then I shifted my focus to the mountain of obligations that loomed in front of me. Demands for time, attention, organization and discipline… For just a moment I started to listen to the voice that was telling me I would never get it all done; that I had taken on too much and none of it was going to turn out well. I was just about to let myself float down that path when almost immediately another voice spoke up. “Remember, you can do all things through me, I give you the strength.” I snapped out of the funk I was headed into and perked up. (It’s true that the sheep recognize the voice of the Shepherd, and how I LOVE that voice!) His familiar voice continued, “True there is a lot on your plate, but I have put everything you need to accomplish all of it on the inside of you. I have given you the strength to get it all done. Don’t doubt.”

Well, that was all the encouragement I needed this morning, so I’m off to tackle my assignments one at a time and I am confident that I will get it all done, (did you notice that I even got a blog in today?!) that it will be done in excellence and that it will be done on time. Are you facing a mountain today? Are circumstances starting to overwhelm you? Don’t give doubt any place. Remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. He’ll give you that second wind, that idea for how to accomplish your task, the words for that paper or article, the inspiration to get it done. His word will come to life in your life - I can vouch for that.

Have a blessed and productive Monday!

The God Who Sees Us

2010-03-03T12:17:00.000-05:00

This morning’s commute was such a sweet time of communion with the Father. There is no way that I could let the day go buy without recording it. I’m beginning to understand what moved the Old Testament saints to build altars in the places where they encountered God; or why Hagar called Him El-Rohi - the God who sees me. I must admit that with all that has been going on; I haven’t taken advantage of that commute time like I should. Instead I filled that time with music or cell phone chatter; not bad things in and of themselves, but not the best use of the time.

Several months back I remember God saying that He missed hearing my voice. At the time I heard it, but I didn’t “hear” it. (I’m convinced I am the reason Jesus’ was always saying, “those who have an ear, let them hear”…) Years ago I used to sing constantly, where ever I was and especially in my private worship time I would just sing to Him. I remember praying with some friends back then and one of them said that God loved it when I sang to Him. Then one day, I can’t say when or even why, the music stopped. I forgot that word about how God loved hearing from me. The cares of life silenced my song.

This morning, however, I got my song back. I wasn’t even trying. I got in the car and instead of reaching for that radio knob like I always do, I started singing. Just some simple little worship songs, nothing fancy; I had no agenda, just to worship. I was surprised how one song flowed right into another. When I finished I heard God say, “See how easy that was? That’s what I have missed.” I heard Him that time. I mean I really heard Him. From there He began to minister to me about how much He misses us when we don’t spend time with Him. Funny, in all these years, I never bothered to consider God’s feelings in this relationship…

I started to get a sense of what He meant and it was mind blowing to think that with all of the billions of us in the universe clamoring for His attention, he actually notices us when we don’t come to Him, and He misses us!!! Actually, the picture I was how it is when you are looking for a radio station and you finally find one that is playing just the song you wanted to hear. That sigh of satisfaction that follows… yeah, that’s what God feels when He hears from us. Isn’t that something?

I can hardly get my brain around the concept of being MISSED by the Creator of the universe. What in the world??? Being the word geek that I am, the first thing I did when I got to my desk was look up the word miss. It’s a verb and it means, “to discover or feel the absence of.” Wow! So when I don’t make time to meet with God He discovers and FEELS my absence. (Am I the only one who feels like screaming right now???!) . How great is that in a world where so many of us wonder if we are noticed? God says, “I notice you.” How encouraging is it to know that your presence (or the lack thereof) matters when we wonder whether anyone would miss us if we just decided not to show up? God says, “I miss you.”
What an awesome picture of love. How amazing it is to serve and love a God who wants to be with us even more than we want to be with Him. Unlike the college professor who doesn’t notice whether we show up for lecture or not God knows and He misses us when we are absent and He waits expectantly to hear from us.

Be encouraged today!

2010-02-24T09:20:00.003-05:00

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
(2 Corinthians 12:9a)

Everyone experiences doubt and fear from time to time. I am no exception. Here lately though, it seems like I have been dealing with it more than usual. I had doubts and fears about doing the final edits on my book so much so that it paralyzed me. Then one day this week it broke and I was able to do in nine hours what I had not been able to do for nine months!

I had doubts and fears about school where I wondered if I could really do this. Thoughts were plaguing me about not finishing my degree the first time and not being able to finish this time. For a moment I thought perhaps I had taken on more than I could handle. I considered dropping a class and pushing my graduation date back or just scrapping the whole degree idea all together. Instead I prayed and sought counsel. This has been the best week I have had since I started!

The biggest area of attack, and the most important, came in the area of taking care of my father. You may recall from previous posts that my dad has dementia. The main reason I moved from Pennsylvania to back to my parents’ in Maryland was to help out with his care. In truth though, the bulk of the responsibility rested on my mother. Then in mid January mom had a bad fall. She broke her knee and her elbow rendering her basically helpless. I found myself suddenly in the driver’s seat.

I should probably explain a few things here before I go on. Many of you know that although my siblings and I were born in the U.S., our parents were not. Consequently, they raised us with a strong sense of culture and values that stay with us even today. The concept of honor, duty and family responsibility is deeply instilled in us. Things that the American mind does not think twice about are very real issues that we deal with regularly. One of those cultural mores surrounds who can and cannot care for my father, and believe it or not I am on that list.

So, I had plenty of help when it came to my mom’s care. My aunt and my cousins were able to help with her, however the dictates of Angolan culture don’t allow them to provide the kind of care that my dad needs. Ideally, it is the duty of the eldest son to care for his father or to one of my male cousins. Since there is no oldest son and my cousins live out of state guess who that leaves??? Yep, the responsibility of care-giver naturally fell to me and quite frankly, it scared me to death!

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have absolutely no affinity for the field of medicine. I respect it, but I am clear that that is NOT my calling and I am so alright with that. I am okay admitting that I am not the first one to look to in an emergency. The paramedics would have to pick me up off the ground because they would likely find me in hysterics lying next to the patient. And yet this is the person left to care for a man in need of assistance with his personal care - are you kidding me?!!

(Can I just say that God’s sense of humor often leaves me feeling like I’m being punk’d!)

If I ever prayed about anything before, you better believe I prayed about this! And you know what? A funny thing happened - God’s graced me to handle the task! How about that? When I yielded myself to the situation and decided to bite the bullet and deal with whatever came, God’s sufficient grace kicked in. What’s more, because of God’s grace my father is able to accept my help when he otherwise would not have and I am able to give it in spite of cultural dictates.

Now I admit I have not done everything right. Sometimes I get weary. I am not going to run out and switch vocations by any means. Nevertheless, I am amazed at the things I have been able to do; things I never thought I would or could do. I am not so foolish as to think this has anything to do with me being so great. God gets all the credit. I don’t know what will happen after mom recuperate. What I now know is that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength and today that is great news!

What daunting task is looming in front of you today? What is causing you to doubt your abilities? What fears are whispering lies in your ear? Grab in to the grace of God today because truly it IS sufficient.

Just For Laughs!

2010-02-02T11:59:00.002-05:00

Today’s entry is strictly for laughs. If you need a scripture, here is a good one, “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance” (Proverbs 15:13a)

One of my girlfriends and I are always talking about how we need to write a book together of all the crazy things that we do and experience on a daily basis. If we ever did, I have no doubt it would be a best seller. We literally laugh at ourselves (and at one another) on a daily basis. Why just today I unknowingly spent the entire morning with my zipper down. Can I just tell how thankful I am to Jesus for long sweaters? They cover a multitude of sin!!

I remember one time when Leslie (not her real name of course) fixed her hair for one of those fake pony tails only to forget to put it on before she left the house. She donned her sunglasses and headed out with her Doberman tail. She rode all around town meeting and greeting folks, thinking she must look exceptional that day by all the smiles she received. It wasn’t until later that afternoon when she arrived at her aunt’s house and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the hallway mirror that she realized, to her horror, that she had forgotten her ponytail. She asked her aunt and her sister, who had been her companions that day, why they hadn’t said anything and her sister replied, “I didn’t know, I thought you were going hard today or something!” We laughed about that one for days!

Oh, there was another time that we still laugh about. We were at a friend’s wedding reception and one of those line dance songs started playing - Electric Slide or something like that - so we all hurried to the dance floor to join in. If you’ve ever seen it done, you know that the whole group moves together doing the same thing at the same time. There is not much room for people who don’t know the dance or who are new at it. Still some novices try to join in anyway. This was the case with the girl who jumped in next to me. I was doing my best to maneuver around her and still enjoy the dance when we turned around and somehow got her heel caught under mine. Next thing I knew I was on my back looking at the ballroom chandelier! It took me a minute to realize what had happened. I got up and looked at her and she just kept dancing - no sorry, no excuse me or anything. I was livid! My girlfriend on the other hand was beside herself with laughter, which of course lightened my mood! There are so many more stories, much funnier than these, but I will save it for the book!

What a wonderful thing laughter is, don’t you agree? What a great gift God has given to us in laughter. It lifts our hearts, improves our mood and shifts our perspective. Maybe that's why I am so much of a clown, because I enjoy having a part in lifting another person's heart. Whatever is going on with you today, do your best to find something, one thing to laugh about. Go ahead. Get your laugh on! It will do you a world of good.

Happy, Blessed Tuesday!

Reconnecting

2010-01-19T10:18:00.003-05:00

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: “ In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.” (Isa 30:15a)

I had not seen them in at least 10 years. I had recently returned to Maryland after eight years in Pennsylvania, and a lot had changed in my life. The years spent sharing an apartment with these two women seemed almost like another life. Still I was happy when Tarsha reached out to Al and I and suggested we meet for dinner to reconnect and catch up. I don’t know about either of them, but for me 2009 was a year of reconnecting and reestablishing old relationships so this meeting was just par for the course and I was excited about seeing them again.

When we finally found the place where we were meeting, we barely got out of the parking lot and to our seats before we were all talking at the same time! Just like old times - we all had so much to say and not enough time to say it. You would think we had never been apart the way we fell right back into step with our old relationship. I suppose there is a level of comfortability that never goes away once you have seen (or been seen by) someone in their underwear… just a thought. Things had not changed, Al was still the dramatic one keeping us on the edge of our seats with her stories and Tarsha was still the observant and cautious one choosing her words carefully. At one point Al and Tarsha, who frequently butted heads in the past, both wanted the same menu and without thinking I found an extra one and gave them each one. We all had to laugh because I was still the peace keeper after all these years.

This morning I got to work extra early so I decided to spend some time in the Word. I have not been able to do that lately, or maybe I just have not taken the time, either way it was really good. Perhaps I am the only one who struggles with the awkwardness that results from time spent *away from Jesus - wondering what returning will be like; dealing with the initial shyness in approaching him. Still I come because I know that is where my answers, my healing, my deliverance and my peace lie. Without fail, he forgives me. Each and every time He welcomes me back to pick up right where I left off. Each and every time we fall right back into the comfortable conversation we have always shared. Each and every time we slip back into our respective roles - Creator and the created, Savior and the saved, Master and the servant, Shepherd and the sheep, Lover and the beloved.

Although reconnecting with my former roomies was a joyous occasion, nothing compares to the joy of reconnecting with Jesus. In those few quiet moments this morning I was reminded of things about Jesus’ character and his nature and it was so good. I encourage you today, if you feel like it has been a while since you and Jesus really connected on an intimate level, that you arrange a get together to reconnect with him. You will be so glad you did.

Be blessed!

* - I use this term even though we can never truly be away from him.Psalm 139:7

Christmas Remembered

2009-12-22T10:58:00.004-05:00

Somehow in the midst of all the commercialism that has become the norm this season, the recession that has been on everyone’s mind, and the not always so subtle push to do away with the Christ in Christmas, this remains my favorite time of the year. I love Christmas. I always have and I always will.

Driving along in the car the other day I was reflecting on why I love the season so much and I couldn't help but smile. I would love to have a spiritual reason because Jesus is the reason for the season in spite of the controversies that surround the date and the traditions we associate with Christmas. And He is indeed the reason for the season.

My reason for loving Christmas, however, has a lot to do with Christmases remembered. Funny, as a child, you can’t imagine ever forgetting the presents. There are some that I remember: the coveted easy bake oven, the boom box, the best doll ever. Over time, those things fade and what remain are memories of being together with the ones you love and who love you.

I will never forget those Christmases where we doubled up to make room for everyone; where a midnight trip to the bathroom meant navigating the obstacle course of sleeping bodies all around. I remember the smell of cookies baking, and turkey roasting. I remember decorating the tree together, staying up until midnight on Christmas Eve playing never ending games of monopoly (my family is a ruthless bunch!) or cards or just talking and laughing.

I remember the excited anticipation of my older brothers and sisters* coming home from college, sometimes with friends. I remember the time my older sister*, who spoke very little English when she first came, did not want to ask for help, so she ended up making cookies with pepper instead of cinnamon. Blech! I remember the turkey my older brother* forgot to stuff. It was tasty even if it was… concave. I remember jealously watching all the older kids getting all dolled and duded up to go out to a Christmas party only to be told at the last minute that they could not go. Woo! You talk about some angry folk! (Gotta love my dad - he would pull the plug on your plans in a minute!).

I remember finally willing myself to sleep so Christmas morning would come faster only to have to ‘endure’ the family Christmas traditions. While the presents beckoned me from under the tree, I was forced to eat breakfast first and remain seated until everyone was finished. Some years it was harder than others to get the pancakes past the lump in my throat. Oh but wait! There was more. Breakfast cleanup then back to the table for dad to read the Christmas story to us - the LONG version from Luke 2 - in King James no less!!! My seat at the table gave me prime view of the tree, but I could not afford to be distracted because sometimes there were questions at the end and you had to be ready.

FINALLY it would be time to open gifts. Us younger kids would read the names and hand everyone their gifts and THEN the opening frenzy could begin - provided we had managed not to not spontaneously combust during the preliminaries. (You have NO idea how close I came!)

Christmases are different now. Everyone is out in the world with families of their own; doing their own thing. The traditions we grew up with have quietly faded into the background. The new generation may never know what it was like. Those times will always be special to me. They are the reason Christmas is my favorite time of year. The bottom line is that the greatest gifts we have are our families and friends. It’s all about giving and receiving love starting with the love of God. This Christmas remember to cherish the ones around you, savor the moments, and enjoy the season. Merry Christmas to you all!

*Clarification - Angolan culture does not recognize your parents’ siblings and their children as aunts, uncles and cousins. There is no word for extended family in my parents’ native languages. Instead they are also your parents, your brothers and your sisters. We had several “cousins” come to live with us growing up and we refer to one another as brothers and sisters, much to confusion of our American friends!

Random Dozen #12

2009-11-18T12:33:00.004-05:00

Another Great one from Linda over at 2nd Cup of Coffee! You should do one. C'mon... you know you want to! If not then at least check out Linda's blog, ok?

1. If you could master one sport, what would it be?

Depends on whether or not I could break a nail doing it… Just kidding - it would be basketball although I don’t think I’ll live to see a 5'2¾" member of the WNBA - sigh….

2. When you make a major purchase, do you go with your gut instinct, or do you do research to make an informed decision?

I usually go with my gut instinct…of course this is the same gut that told me to go Beta vs VHS...

3. There is an old kids' game that says you can find out what your movie star name would be by using your middle name as your first name and the name of the street you grew up on as your last. What is your movie star name?

Aleluia High… sounds more like a school than a movie star name - figures!

4. Would you rather give up your favorite music or your favorite food?

Hmmm… probably my favorite food, at least that’s my polite answer. My real answer is neither!

5. There are two types of banana preferences. One is pristine yellow, almost to the point of being green; the other is spotty and more ripe. Which is your preference?

You probably guessed from my “feel for the fish” response that I would say pristine yellow, and you would be correct. What can I say, the other is just yucky!

6. Your favorite tree is?

I don't really have one... oh wait! A Christmas tree! :)

7. On a scale of 1-10, how tech savvy are you?

Depends on the day, the time, and the task. Today I’m feeling like a 6½

8. Has H1N1 touched your family?

No, thank God - but some friends have been affected.

9. Are you an analytical person, or do you just accept things the way they are without questioning or scrutinizing?

For the most part I just accept the way things are, conserving brain cells you know. Actually if something doesn't make sense to me or I see another more efficient way to do it, I feel compelled to speak up.

10. Is your personality more like that of a dog, cat, or Koala?

I didn’t see the Koala part the first time I skimmed the list! In that case I have to say I’m a cross between a cat and a koala… leaning more towards the koala. Although I prefer dogs they are far too needy for me. I like the nonchalant independence of a cat combined with the “laid-backness” of the koala and basically, that’s me!

11. Do you keep in touch with friends you made years ago?

Yes! In fact, I have a friend I’ve know since Kindergarten. He found me on Facebook!

12. You are checking out at a grocery store. In the express lane, there are more people than the regular lanes, but of course, their load is less than those in the regular lanes. Which lane do you choose (assuming you qualify for the express lane) and why?

Well I travel up and down the row and check each line out. If I find a person in the regular lane who is almost finished or paying then I get in that line; otherwise I guess I meander on over to the express lane. I'm always looking for what's quicker, the problem is so is everyone else!

This was fun! Thanks Linda. Gotta run now - suddenly I'm craving donuts...

Random Dozen #11

2009-11-12T15:29:00.006-05:00

I picked this up from Linda over at 2nd Cup of Coffee. It was a lot fun! I welcome you to do one too and please share your answers. Happy Thursday everyone!

1. What was the last song you listened to?

Well… I’ve been listening to music all day just about, but the last song I actually listened to… that would be Synchronicity by The Police. What can I say, I’m stuck in the 80’s most days!

2. Have you ever had “buyer’s remorse” over anything?

OMG yes! I bought a new sit under hair dryer b/c my old one was threatening to electrocute me on the regular. I thought it would be nice to get the old kind with the bonnet you attach to the hose and it’s lightweight and so on… MISTAKE!!! I used it twice and came out looking like a French poodle in a dog show!! I’m thinking of giving it away… any takers?

3. What is something in your life that you are thankful for now that you didn’t think you would be at the time of the event? (Something that seemed ill-timed, inconvenient or hurtful which turned out to be a good thing)

I’m thankful for many of God’s no’s concerning the men in my life. Basically I would have come to a bad end in every case. Meanwhile, a sista is still waiting on her yes!

4. Do you watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade every year? If so, do you have a favorite float or balloon?

Not really. I may flip to it when something else is on commercial or listen to it from another room, but for some reason, I am not into parades anymore…at least not on TV.

5. Share a quote, scripture, poem or lyric which has been an inspiration to you lately.

But God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love. Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand." ~C. S. Lewis- The Problem of Pain

6. This is meant to be a fun question, and this is a G-rated blog, but please share a “guilty pleasure,” something that you enjoy that’s probably not the most edifying, time-worthy or healthy thing you could be indulging in. Did I mention this blog is rated G?

I have 2: “Split Ends” on Bravo network (there's just something about beauty salon drama that sucks you in), and cinnamon powdered doughnuts - the mini ones - mmm… The good thing is when you eat the mini ones you only get mini calories. Did you know that? It’s true, I read it on My WebMD or someplace like that!

7. What Thanksgiving food are you looking forward to?

Turkey and pumpkin/sweet potato pie - not together of course…

8. What is your favorite book to read to children, or what was your favorite childhood book?

My favorite childhood book is no longer in print and I’m sure I can’t find an image, but it was called “The Little Yellow Duck”. I used to make my mom read it over and over and over and… well you get the idea. Eventually I memorized it and I would “read” it to myself. I also like another out of print book called “The Bad Times Of Irma Baumlein” good lesson about not lying and being yourself. I loved to read “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” to my nephew. He’s beyond that now… he is 3 after all!

9. Do you collect anything? (Feel free to post a photo.)

Not at the moment although I’m crazy about snowmen and there’s a line of African American figurines I’ve been looking at for years, but I got nowhere to put ‘em.

10. Gift bags or wrapping paper?

I like to receive wrapped presents and I prefer to give wrapped presents… but I usually give and receive bags because who’s got the time these day?

11. Share an after-school memory from when you were younger. What was your routine like on an average day?

I remember coming home during my early elementary school days to my mom singing in the kitchen or something. I’d have a snack after I put my things away. Then it was upstairs to do homework, so I’d be free and clear to watch the Brady Bunch or some such at 8:00. I remember plopping on the floor just as the news was ending, “And that’s the way it is Thursday, November 12, 2009. I’m Walter Cronkite, CBS News, goodnight.” Some things you never forget. :o)

12. True story: Once, in a job interview, I was asked this question and told there would be no clarifying; I simply had to answer the question: “When you’re fishing, do you feel for the fish?” So what about you? Do you feel for the fish??

OH NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT! I simply cannot touch slimy things… I will just die if I do. I am not ashamed to admit that I’m too much of a priss for that! In fact, I wouldn’t go fishing in the first place because I’m deathly afraid of worms!!!

Mercy Said, "No!"

2009-11-10T09:15:00.003-05:00

The local news played in the background as I got ready for work one morning last month. I was half listening, half scrambling around when one particular story caught my attention. The reporter announced the execution of John Muhammad, better know in these parts as the "DC Sniper." I remembered hearing about this man randomly shooting innocent people for several weeks as they walked to their cars in parking lots or pumped gas. I was living in Pennsylvania at the time, but my family and many of my friends were here. I prayed daily for their safety and for the safety all the people in the area. One of my prayers was for the person, or persons, responsible to be caught and brought to justice. I remember breathing a sigh of relief when they caught him and his accomplice. I felt even better when they were both sent to prison for the crimes they had committed. In my mind, JUSTICE had been served...

Now hearing the announcement about his execution, my honest, first gut reaction was, "See ya!" Yes, I know how heartless it sounds - or how right depending on your point of view. Still I felt pretty justified... until this weekend's message that is. Pastor Mike really set me up this week. The sermon topic was "Join The Party" and the text was the prodigal son story. I settled in for a feel good message... Boy, was I ever wrong.

This message was about the other son. Pastor dissected the word JUSTICE and talked about how we often use this word to suit us. In some cases we mean fairness, and in others we mean vengeance. (Not sure where you're going with this one Pastor, but ok...) He showed how we want to be forgiven while we want others to be judged. (The news report flashed through my mind and a pain shot through my heart? What in the world?!) I was nodding my agreement the whole time, but only because I couldn't see what was coming next... Turns out this sermon wasn't really about the prodigal son at all, it was about his brother. That's when things got ugly. I stopped nodding so much and just listened. You see, the other brother was refusing to come into the father's house and join the party. he refused to celebrate his brother's return. Instead he was hurt. He couldn't understand how the father saw fit to throw a party for the son who had left and squandered all his dad's money, while he, the son who stayed never received anything like that. It was not fair... it was not JUSTICE... (Uh oh, I've felt like that before... Ouch again!)

Pastor went on to make more great points but two of them hit me right where I live. The first was that if the father in this parable represents God, the house represents God's presence, the prodigal son represents a repentant sinner and the other son represents us (the church, the faithful, etc) then who is in God's presence and who is not? (Great, once again, that would be me...)

While I was still reeling from than one, he presented the arguments that we often give to justify our feeling that someone should get what they deserve.

"Well judgements is for people who do really bad things, like killers.."

"Oh, really? Well what about someone who kills in self defense, or in a war situation?"

"Well that's different?

"Oh ok, so where's the line? WHERE IS THE LINE BEYOND WHICH THE BLOOD OF JESUS CAN'T GO?"

That was the breaking point where I could feel my heart start to soften. Not that I condone what he did or excuse it, but that the eyes of love God looks at me with, also look at John Muhammad with THE SAME LOVE. Wow! You know what else? If I'm truthful with myself, if I were to get what I deserve the I would be on death row as well, but mercy said, 'No!' What I could not pay for myself God paid for me, but not only for me - He paid it for John Muhammad as well and for the whole world. Who am I to call for judgement on someone else while expecting mercy for myself. I'm realizing again that God's mercy isn't just for me, or just for you, it's for everyone. I'm starting to think that most of us are going to be very surprised when we see who made it to Heaven... Can't you just hear it now? The whispers as we stand in line waiting for our Heaven issued white robes and our harps "Oh my goodness, what in the world is she doing here?" or "Who let him in?" The whispers could very well apply to any of us. Thank God for his love and mercy!

So even as I type this last sentence, it has been a month since I started this post. John Muhammad is scheduled to die by lethal injection tonight. The cavalier attitude I had a month ago is gone. God has done a work on my heart by showing me His heart and giving me an inexplicable love and compassion for the 'undeserving.' My prayer at this point is that he would know and experience the love and mercy of God in his final hours and that he would meet Him on the other side of this life. I also pray God's grace and mercy upon you today.

I'm Back!

2009-10-15T14:23:00.005-04:00

Ok, I never really announced that I was taking a hiatus or anything, but I sort of did. So much has been going on - most of it good, some of it great, some of it... not so much. The thing is it all seemed to be happening all at once. I don't do well with "all at once" so my natural instinct is to retreat. So I did...

My "mini vacation" kind of reminded me of the story of Elijah in I Kings 19. Elijah had just witnessed God's power in a mighty way as all the prophets of Baal were killed. Right after that Elijah received a death threat that causes him to run for his life. He finds himself under a tree praying for death. God meets him there and asks him what he is doing there... Elijah tells God his tale and continues to sit under the tree. He finally manages to fall asleep and is later awakened by an angel who gives him food and water and then tells him to journey on.

40 days later, Elijah finds himself on Mt. Horeb (a.k.a. the Mountain of God). He finds a cave and goes back to sleep. Again God meets him there and asks him what he is doing there. (Hello... didn't we just have this conversation?) Elijah (who is very different from me) tells God his tale again. This time God calls Elijah out of the cave so He can talk to him. Elijah obeys and heads out to the agreed upon spot waiting to hear the voice of God. While he's sitting there there is a wind storm, but no word from God. Then comes an earthquake, but still no word... Finally there's a fire, but God isn't in the fire either. Again Elijah and I are very different because if it was me, I'd assume I'd missed God or something! Elijah waits and finally there is a still small voice. Then God does something unexpected - He gives Elijah his next assignment!

That's kind of what happened to me - well sort of... I was overwhelmed by everything that was happening in my life, good and bad. I just felt like I needed a break from it all; you know, to get my head together and stuff. God granted me that time, just like he did for Elijah. And then, when He decided I'd rested enough He started doling out assignments! Pray for this one, call this one, enroll for school, write this, accept this appointment, work with these people... It made my head spin, but it let me know that regardless of what I think, God can always use me. When I think I have nothing to offer anyone, that is the very time He sends someone my way who needs something. I love it because it keeps me humble knowing that it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with me!

All that being said, while I can't promise that I will blog everyday, I will definitely be here more often. I thank God for the time to refuel, refocus, and return! I highly recommend taking a moment when you need it to allow God to refresh your spirit - and don't worry, He will put you back in the game sooner than you think!

Blessings to you!

My Seinfeld Post

2009-09-23T16:17:00.002-04:00

Just like Seinfeld was a self proclaimed show about nothing, this is a blog about nothing. Just wanted to post the cutest video ever. It made me and some of my facebook friends laugh out loud! Enjoy and I'll have something substantial for you sooner than you think!

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

This Joy that I Have

2009-09-15T08:40:00.004-04:00

"This joy that I have the world didn't give it to me
Oh oh oh this joy that I have, the world didn't give it to me
This joy that I have, the world didn't give it to me
The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away!"

I'm not ashamed to admit it. Hi, my name is Isunji and I am a basically happy/joyful person. I can't help it. Not only is it how I'm wired, but since I added Jesus to that mix it is magnified even more! I realize I can potentially get on people's nerves if I am not careful. In fact one of my friends calls me Pollyanna, which I love because that happens to be one of my favorite movies. Any guesses as to why? :)

What can I say? All I know is that give the choice between being happy or miserable - I will choose happy every time. And we all get one, you know? A choice I mean. Now I would be lying to you and to myself if I said I always wake up feeling happy or that every situation in my life makes me happy - that's not reality, that's a Disney movie! What is real is that every day I am faced with a choice - will I be joyful today or miserable? Happy or sad? Loving or mean? Selfish or selfless? The potential for both lies within me, but which one I will act on is always up to me.

Is it always easy to choose the positive? Heck no, it's not easy, are you kidding me?! In a society where misery loves company it is so much easier (and more acceptable) to join in on the moaning and complaining, the self deprecation, and the negativity. In fact I have done it.

I walked in to work complaining that it was Monday, the weekend wasn't long enough, I don't have everything I need to do this job, my boss is this, my coworkers are that... and on and on it went (because that kind of thing tends to snowball you know.). I found that by the end of the day I was a cranky, tired mess! You can imagine what I joy I was to the ones waiting at home! (because that kind of thing also tends to spread to those around you) I also realized that nothing in my behavior glorified Christ, nothing in that behavior set me apart from anyone else. In other words, the real job that I was sent out to do, make a difference for Christ, didn't get done that day because of my choice. I can not speak for anyone else, but I am not a fan of conviction from the Holy Spirit, so let's just say I got better at choosing!

Every once in a while I get a confirmation that I am on the right track. Like the other day when a my editor said that she enjoyed reading my statuses on facebook and was amazed and how positive I always seem to be and how I look at things from that angle. It was the perfect opportunity to give credit where the credit was due. I immediately pointed her to the source of my joy - Jesus! It was a blessing and it is the reason I am here. I think Michael W. Smith says it best in one of my favorite songs from the 80s... Enjoy and make it a great day - remember the choice is yours!

Everything

2009-09-03T17:51:00.004-04:00

Ever have one of those moments when some revelation hits you right between the eyes? Well, I just had one of those!

I joined a new network today and was anxious to play around with the features. There were pages of instructions for how to use it, but I did what I normally do. I ignored the instructions and started clicking on things to see what they did. I must admit that I’m like that with everything… uh oh…

On those rare occasions when I buy a new gadget, I plow right in pressing buttons and experimenting with different things trying to figure things out for myself. (In my defense, part of that is because I’m a visual learner by nature. I learn and retain better when it’s hands on as opposed to reading it in a book or a manual.) If I get stuck or can’t figure it out on my own, THEN I go for the manual as a last resort… I’d almost rather take days to figure it out than consult the manual and have my issue resolved in seconds…

That’s when it hit me - I tend to be like that with everything… even in life. To tell the truth, if I don’t make a concerted effort, I can pass by The Manual several times a day as I run back and forth trying to “figure out” life on my own. I wonder now how many problems lasted longer than they should have because I failed to consult the manual… How many times have I exhausted myself with the effort of trying to live this life on my own rather than turning to the Life Giver for the answers…Wow!

In all honesty, figuring out how to operate my gadgets without the help of a manual makes me feel smarter and proud of the fact that I did it on my own. It is pride... Uh oh… didn’t I read somewhere that pride comes before a fall? Oh boy, I see where this is going … Surely I don’t think I’m smarter than God?!

I’ve mastered going to God with the “big things” of life, but I never think to bother Him with the little things, those things I think I can handle myself, yet He wants to work those things out for me to… So I opened my manual and happened upon Proverbs 2:1-11.

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.
Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path.
For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you."

I got it Lord. With Your help, I will learn to seek you first in everything! AMEN.

God's Got It

2009-09-02T11:23:00.002-04:00

Last week was a hard one. My mother is out of the country and my father is staying at an assisted living facility while she’s away. All was well until I got a call Sunday saying that dad had collapsed and they couldn’t get him up. This was followed by a week back and forth to and from the hospital. I can’t remember when I was so tired, and not just physically. I was emotionally and spiritually drained. So many decisions to make concerning his care, speaking with a different nurse every day, deciding where he would go when he was released, and just having to be the “parent” in the situation. I was beyond stressed! God was faithful to refresh and restore, but I wasn’t faithful at all. In fact it wasn’t until this happened that I came face to face with where I have been spiritually.

To be completely honest, I’ve been angry with God. While I understand that life is not fair and no one is promised a trouble-free life, I quietly took exception with God concerning what my dad has been going through for the past few years - the dementia, the strokes, the illnesses. Aging has not been kind and quite frankly I don’t get it. I get the whole “circle of life” thing, but I can’t help but believe that we don’t HAVE to leave this earth sick in body and mind, or in pain, especially believers. I don’t get how a man who spent his entire live in God’s service ends up here. I don’t get the pain in watch a man who once changed others lives with the words that God gave him, unable to form a coherent sentence at times, not to mention the other things I’ve witnessed since I returned home. I just don’t get it. There have been times when I’ve wanted to shake my fist at the Heavens and scream, “God, where ARE You in all of this?!!!”

Not a fist-shaking screamer by nature, I opted for my own quiet rebellion. I can’t remember when I last opened my Bible, or prayed or worshipped, or fasted. I even stopped blogging - no sense in adding hypocrisy to the list, right? All the stuff that I KNOW works, I dropped. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t left God. I don’t reverence Him any less. I still believe and all that. In fact people have sought me out more during this time for prayer or an encouraging word! God is so funny like that - He chooses to use us in the moments we feel we have the least to give. I suppose that’s so there’s no danger of us getting in the way or taking the credit!

Also, for whatever reason I’ve been listening to gospel music only for a while (in fact as I write this Israel is in my ear singing ‘I Am Not Forgotten’ I know it’s true, but it sure has felt like He had forgotten us) - so I know God has His hand on me still. Even so, I sense the distance and I realize I’m the one who created it. So now as I being the business of getting back in place with God I acknowledge that I while I don’t get it, or see it or feel it - God’s got it! So in this moment of transparency, I am choosing to side with Him instead of my own reasoning and emotions. Easy ? Of course not, but truth is truth and this is what faith is about after all, isn’t it?

I pray God’s blessings and his comfort over those of you going through a trial at this time. It’s okay if you don’t get it as long as you don’t lose sight of the fact that God’s Got It and He’s Got You even when it doesn’t feel like He does.

Farewell to Senator Edward Kennedy

2009-08-27T11:06:00.003-04:00

I can't let the day go by without saying a word about the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy, or as I came to call him, "Uncle Teddy." Like most of America I always had an affinity for the Kennedy family in general, but it was even stronger in the case of the youngest Kennedy brother.

It wasn't until a conversation with my older sister, Nina, yesterday that I remembered why. In 1980 during his run for president, the senator visited the church my dad was pastoring in Baltimore city! The more she talked the more I remembered that visit. I remember how approachable and friendly he was - like an uncle. I think I may have even gone up to him after the service, but I can't remember... knowing me I did!

Instead of being flanked with security and other personnel designed to keep the people away, he was open and accessible. I remember that he spoke from his heart and even us kids were quiet. Of course at the time the significance of the moment was lost on me - until now!

So as the nation mourns the loss of one of the most influential people of our time, I add my simple farewell - rest in peace uncle Teddy - you will be missed.

My 100th Post!

2009-08-11T06:43:00.005-04:00

I can't tell you how I have avoided this... my 100th post. Since I started, I've seen people do some very creative things to mark their 100th post - giveaways, contests, 100 random facts about themselves. As for me, I was drawing a blank... I don't have anything to give away... I don't have enough readership for a contest, and I have trouble thinking of 3 facts about myself let alone 100 that people would want to read! So what did I do - I avoided my blog... until yesterday that is.

Yesterday, I was encouraged and inspired as I watched someone's dream become reality. You see, a very good friend of mine, Tiana Walker, recently published her first book! It's a children's book called "The Princess Looking Back At Me". I recommend it to all of you with young girls in your lives. The book is the first in a series she is working on called My Princess Pals. I am so proud of this young woman who I had the privilege to meet a little over eight years ago. She is what I would describe as a quiet giant. As a matter of fact I remember thinking to myself when I first met her, "Man, she's even quieter than me!" After getting to know her better however, I saw that there is a strength beneath that quietness that few get to see.

Tiana is an amazing young woman who has taken many major leaps of faith that led her to her ultimate goal. She is a devoted wife and mother, a fierce intercessor, a true worshipper and a loyal friend. What better way to celebrate my 100th post that to celebrate my sister-friend and her major accomplishment! Won't you celebrate with me? We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice, right? I encourage you to check her site out when you get a chance and maybe even offer her a word of encouragement.

Tiana - Go you!!! Remember that the best is yet to come! Mwah!

That's Just Common Sense!

2009-07-20T14:01:00.003-04:00

The older I get and the more I am "privileged" to see, the more I realize that common sense is not a given. I guess I just assumed that everyone had a degree of common sense and that some things go without saying. Apparently this is not the case…

I just checked my Facebook page and one of my friends had a "public service announcement" as her status stating that the clear tags inside women’s clothing are not straps, they are to hang the garment. Just below it another friend added that the tags on the sleeves of designer wool coats are meant to be removed. At first I laughed - long and hard, but then I started thinking about it.
I began to wonder - do people really NOT know these things??? Then I recalled a conversation I had with a family member just a few days ago where I informed them, apparently for the first time, that it is NOT in fact illegal to remove tags from pillows, mattresses, and comforters once you have purchased them. The police will not bust in and cart you off to jail! Or the time a few months ago when I heard that another family member had been taking antibiotics nestled in a piece of bread (as opposed to taking them with water) praying each time not to accidentally bite the pill. When they were asked why they weren't taking it with water the answer was... are you ready for it??? "because the directions say to take with food" Are ya kidding me???

Am I missing something here? I mean since when do we have to be warned not to eat the little packets of granules inside purses and shoe boxes? It’s frightening to think that a situation came up that made it necessary to write out "do not eat" on those little packets! Or the drive through establishments that need to warn us that the hot coffee we just purchased is hot - umm, well, isn’t that what we ordered?? What has happened to us as a society that we don’t know these things? Were our parents right about the link between excess television and brain function? I’m starting to believe they had a point.

For what it’s worth common sense, it seems, is on life support and in critical condition, and no one knows how to revive it. All I can say is, if this is the wave of the future - Heaven help us all!
Happy Monday All!

P.S. - I went online to find a picture of one of those shoe box packets, and someone had posted a question about whether those packets are harmful for pets!!! Hello??? Well if you can’t eat it what makes you think Rover can??? Oh, I could just cry!

Procrastination. Procrastina-a-tion is making me wait….

2009-07-06T11:39:00.005-04:00

I know, I know, those aren’t the words, but they sure are the problem. I’ve been scarce on my blog lately with good reason. I’m back in school!! I’m determined to finally complete that undergrad degree that has eluded me for so long. When it's all said and done I will be holding my bachelor’s in English in my hot little hand in May of 2011!!! I’m enjoying being back in school, but I have to admit that I was not prepared for the workload! I’m trying to get my rhythm going and I fear that by the time I get it, the summer semester will be over! It goes without saying that I haven’t figured out how to work blogging into my “schedule” just yet either, I’m working on it though!

So as I work my way through my first three classes (the only semester I’ll need to take three classes thank God!), I’m rediscovering some things about myself - namely my tendency to procrastinate! Perfect example, I have a 4 page paper due TODAY that I’ve only just started. The idea had been rolling around in my head for a few days, but I didn’t take the time to sit and write it all down before now. (Then of course there is this break right here to write a blog post because all my adoring “fan” needs to hear from me right now! Thanks Mom!) I’m not so much worried that I won’t get it done, I always do. It’s just the cycle that this behavior always takes me through. For me, it’s a vicious cycle: I have a task, I make a plan to accomplish it and then I find a billion other things to do up until the last minute where I am scrambling to beat the clock, stressing over it, and beating myself up for waiting so long AGAIN! It is an exercise in frustration to say the least. And each time I vow - “Never again!!” Yeah right!

It reminds me of the merry-go-rounds on the playground. Remember them? As a kid I used to love that ride, but I was never good at getting off when I’d had enough. The few times I tried to jump off I ended up scraped and scratched, so eventually I would just ride it out until it slowed down enough for me to stop it with my foot, then I’d get off and go join everyone else for the next game which was usually already in progress!

Not only do I see this cycle manifesting in my academic life, but it spills over into my spiritual life as well. First I don’t read or pray or whatever one day, then it becomes 3 days, then a week… The cares and the distractions of life come in and eat up all my time and before I know it I’m 7 years old again, stuck on the merry-go-round, trying to find the right time to jump off. Unlike the merry-go-round, I’m learning to jump of this cycle as soon as I recognize there is a problem so I go around less and less.

Ok, well, duty calls so I am going to jump off right here and make the most of the 12 hours I have left! YIKES! Have a Magnificent Monday!

My Bucket List

2009-06-24T10:03:00.007-04:00

I've been away for a while dealing with life, school, work, etc, so I thought I would ease back in with something fun!

I called one of my girlfriends on Sunday to see what she was up to. She was watching the movie "The Bucket List" with her family... Then yesterday I was watching a radio interview (yes, I said WATCHING - explanation available upon request) of one of my favorite artists and she was talking about things she would like to do and the impact she wanted to have on the world. So that got me thinking, which, as you'll see if you keep reading, can be dangerous!

I used to make lists of things I dreamt of doing, places I dreamt of going, things I wanted to learn, etc. Even though I never accomplished most of them, the list kept me motivated and encouraged when things started to seem like vanity all around me. Over time, though, I stopped writing those things down and without realizing it, I stopped dreaming.

So today seems as good a day as any to start one up again - just for fun! These are in no particular order either.

1. I want to be able to run up the "Rocky" steps in Philly (as it stands it would be a 3 or 4 day process!LOL!) and to have my pic taken with my arms up!
2. I want to take a First Class flight.
3. I want to go to Milan, Italy and Israel, and Aruba, oh and back to Jamaica!
4. I want to sing with Darlene Zschech (and singing along with the CD doesn't count!)
5. I want to visit the 43 states I've never been to (yes, even Alaska but not for long!)
6. I'd like to visit all 7 continents
7. I want to swim with the dolphins/go on a dive
8. I want to learn an Asian language (Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Tagalog... whatever!)
9. I want to learn to write music (so I can score my own songs and other people's too)
10. I want to write the great American novel - I mean the REAL one! ;)

I'd say that's a good start! Now it's your turn. If you happen to stumble across this post and would like to participate, I encourage you to post your list. There are no limits whatsoever. Nothing is too outrageous, so have let your imagination have free course and HAVE FUN!

P.S. - I'm a little technically challenged, so if the Mr. Linky thing doesn't work, just post your list as a comment and I promise to have it all worked out by the next time I do a meme! Thanks!

2009-06-02T14:52:00.003-04:00

A few days ago I downloaded new wallpaper for my PC at work. I get bored looking at the same thing every day so I change it every month or so, besides I thought it was pretty. It has an pale blue background with two big white daisies with bright centers, kind of grunge meets girlie type thing. What really caught me, however, was the caption. It reads: “Don’t waste your life!” Then under that it says, “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received. Ephesians 4:1”

So today as I sat at my desk eating lunch - a habit I really need to break - it was up on my screen. I read it, ate a little, read it again, ate a little… you get the idea. Well, after about the fourth time it’s like the verse opened up to me. I started to see it in a whole new light. This is one of those revelations that made me want to run! It also made me want to cry. I hope this post does it justice…

Paul is urging believers to live up to the call that they have received. I’ve seen that verse all my life, read it more times than I can remember and even skipped over it on my way to other things, but today - it hit home. You know how it is when the Word leaps off the page and takes a seat right next to you? Well, that’s how it was in those few minutes this afternoon. The phrase “that you have received,” hopped off the screen and sat on my desk and spoke to me as I ate lunch.

Here’s what I got - I am always living a life that is worthy of something; some calling and some purpose that I’ve received, whether I’m aware of it or not. The thing is the life I live will only be worthy of the calling I received, so if I received something other than God’s call, the life I’m living will only be worthy of that secondary calling because that’s what I received. If that’s the case then it is of utmost importance that I discover God’s call for our lives and receive it so that the life I’m living will become worthy of my true calling. Confused?

Ok, let’s look at my life as an example. I know what God called me to do and to be. If I’m honest I’ve always known. Even so I ran from it. I didn’t receive it. Receiving meant being different when all I wanted was to blend in and be like everybody else. It meant standing alone sometimes when I wanted more than anything to belong. So I rejected God’s call and instead received mediocrity. As a result the life I was living was only worthy of the call of mediocrity that I received. Instead of being content like I thought I would, I was often restless and dissatisfied and I didn’t know why.

Finally, I began to receive God’s call and for every area of that call I accepted, I saw change in the corresponding area of my life. So when I accepted his call to minister through writing, for example, I saw my life take a different turn. I started to share my words with other people, I attended writers groups and was accepted to a major writer’s conference. In the life I was living previously, I never would have shared my words with another living soul and I’d still be living a life worthy of that calling that I received.

So I’m finding that receiving is a process for me. I don’t do my best with too many things happening at once and God knows that - after all He made me that way. So I find that I’m constantly receiving another part of God’s calling and seeing my life change accordingly.

I encourage you to examine your own life and take note of the call you have received - husband/wife, father/mother, doctor, school bus driver, minister… whatever God has called you to do. Then take care to make sure the life you’ve been living is worthy. Personally, I found several areas for improvement in my own life just this afternoon. What do you say we get out there and live worthy! Oh, is that your phone?

Oh and just for kicks, I looked up the definition for receive since that’s the word that jumped out at me most. Here it is for any fellow word geeks out there: Receive: to come into possession of; to act as a receptacle or container for; to assimilate through the mind or senses; to permit to enter; to accept as authoritative, true, or accurate; to support the weight or pressure of; to take a mark or impression from the weight of something. (www.m-w.com)

Happy Tuesday all!

WWJD

2009-05-27T12:34:00.004-04:00

I am officially TIRED now. I normally refrain from political/social commentary on here because I’m not a fan of controversy or conflict. Plus when you always want everybody to like you, like I do, you learn to swallow your opinions. But I feel a lot like Jeremiah right now. I’ve got something that’s “like fire shut up in my bones” and I can’t hold it in any longer, even at the risk of being misunderstood. All I ask is that you please hold your stones until the end. Basically, I am tired of us - Christians - the whole lot of us! Could it be that we, in our culture and our world view where it’s all about our rights and freedoms, have we perhaps missed it or gotten off course somewhere?

In the past month I had two experiences with two very different Christian radio stations that each left me emotionally and spiritually drained. The most recent incident happened just last night. I was listening to the local gospel station and there was a discussion about the same-sex marriage issue. A woman called in to give her point of view. She started by saying that we should consult the Manufacturer’s original instruction on this issue. She said that God’s original design for marriage was between a man and a woman and I totally agree. Then radio host asked her about that person who is living a homosexual lifestyle, but really loves the Lord. To which she quickly replied, “They couldn’t possibly love the Lord because the Bible says if you love me you’ll keep my commands.” The very idea was preposterous to her - you could hear it in her voice. The host asked her about judging and she replied that she simply loves what God loves and hates what He hates. She loved the person, but not the sin.

I felt my face getting hot in reaction to her response. (It’s been a while. I had forgotten what anger feels like.) I wondered, ‘where is the love in that response?’ I’m not talking warm fuzzies worldly kind of love here; I’m talking about that genuine agape love for people that longs to point them to Jesus and see Him transform their lives. I thought about all the ways I fall short every single day and it occurred to me that using her logic; I don’t really love the Lord either then… Don’t get me wrong, I know exactly what she meant and there’s no doubt she was sincere in her convictions. In fact, a couple years ago I would have offered the very same opinion verbatim.

I’m sure it has a bit to do with the people God has put back into my life lately, some of whom happen to be homosexuals. If I’m to minister to them my heart needed to change, not with regard to the sin mind you, but in my approach. I had to begin to see that they are not what they do, but who they are - just like me - and build from there..

These days, I’m looking to Jesus’ example and to my own personal responsibility as it concerns impacting the world around me. Paul asks in Romans 14:4 who we are to judge another man’s servant and I had ask myself the same thing. Paul goes on to say that that man's Master that is the One who is able to make him stand, so I leave the convicting to the Holy Spirit; besides He does it so much better. I’ll stick to pointing people to Jesus through my words and actions toward them. What did Jesus offer the woman at the well? He knew she was a sinner and so did she. Rather than to beat her up about it Jesus simply revealed Himself to her and THAT is what made the difference in her life and consequently in the lives of the people in her city! I want to have that kind of impact that Jesus had. I don’t ever want block anyone view of Him.

A few weeks back I was listening to the conservative Christian station a few weeks back (you know the one where everyone knows God is a republican - duh!) and the host was bashing the president, the current administration and the policies they were trying to implement. There was a guest on the show, a conservative attorney explaining why none of President Obama’s plans will work etc, etc. I have no problem with the fact that these men disagree with the president. What pricked my heart was the obvious lack of respect with which they spoke about our current president. It’s hard to describe, but there was such a disdain in their voices; a contempt, if you will, that came through the airwaves and my heart was so deeply grieved all of a sudden. I had to pull over and I just sobbed because I felt like, in a way, the Holy Spirit was also grieved.
(SIDEBAR: Incidentally, I felt the exact same way whenever I would hear someone express contempt for former President Bush. Regardless of who is in the office it just isn’t right - bottom line.). In my spirit, I just knew it wasn’t right. The Bible tells me to pray for my leaders not bash them. But the culture tells me I have freedom of speech and I have the right to say whatever I want about whomever I want. I guess the question then is Whose law am Iunder?

Based on these two incidents and others that would turn an already too long post into a novel, I'm examining myself and the scriptures. I need to remember some things and that will affect how I love and respect others. First of all, I need to remember that sin is sin as far as God is concerned. There are no levels or degrees of sin in His eyes. Second, I need to remember that, with the exception of blaspheming the Holy Spirit, all sin is forgivable. Third, I need to remember that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God - so none of us is exempt. The idea is to point people to Jesus, to model a relationship with Him to a world that so desperately needs Him.

This is just my perspective of course and I’m open to seeing things another way. When all is said and done I just want to be on God’s side. Today, however, I’m left with questions for myself and the whole family of God. Am I reflecting Kingdom or culture? Does it point others to Jesus when I speak ill of my leaders regardless of how I may feel about them or there beliefs, personally? How much more effective would I be if I channeled the energy I spend disagreeing and grumbling praying instead? How much more effective would it be for me to put down my sign and not to depend on government to legislate our culture’s morality? What if I chose instead to take personal responsibility as a bearer of the Light to live it out in my own life and to get involved in the lives of the people around me on a personal level (the young teen considering abortion, the gay couple down the street, the poor misguided democrat/republican/libertarian/independent I work with…)? What would Jesus do? My heart's desire is to find out and then go and do likewise.

Ok, I think I’m done. Now - let the stones fall where they may…

2009-05-23T09:46:00.003-04:00

Okay, I’m finally ready to admit it. As I sit here staring through the watery slits that were once my eyes, breathing through one nostril, savoring the “fruity” taste of a Claritin dissolving on my tongue, all the while wondering how I will manage to make my 2 remaining tissues last all day, there’s no more denying that I have allergies. I’ve probably had them for a couple years now, but refused to believe it. Any time anyone suggested allergies as a possible cause of my miserability (it’s a word for today, ok?), I poo-pooed the very idea. My famous line was, “I’m not claiming that!” Can you imagine, even as my left eye watered incessantly and I struggled to breathe I preferred to stay in state of denial! To be honest, I thought denying it and riding it out made me more “spiritual” or stronger somehow! I KNOW! Ridiculous as it sounds, deep in the recesses of my mind, that’s what I thought. I thought God would see it and give me a few extra brownie points. AS IF!

At times like this I’m reminded how little any of this has to do with me and what I do or don’t do; say or don’t say. Rather it’s all about what God has already done and said on my behalf. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,” (Eph 2:8 NKJV). I know this to be true, yet and still I ‘forget’ from time to time.

God’s grace is one of those concepts that it’s hard to wrap your brain around. The idea of getting something that we don’t deserve in any way for FREE; that messes us up. Our flesh is all about give and take, tit for tat, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. It’s not hard to see why when the world constantly shows us something different.

God offers His grace and the world tells us there must be a catch.

God offers His free salvation and the world says we must earn it.

God offers His favor and the world convinces us it’s not for us.

God offers His presence and the world wonders why He’d want to hang out with us anyway.

Every day and each moment it’s a battle to hold on to God’s Word when everything around us is telling us the opposite. I know I get frustrated with myself during these momentary lapses, telling myself I should know better by now. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed for my imperfect flesh to just go away and leave me alone, but like Paul when he asked God to remove the thorn in his flesh God’s response was the same, “Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (2 Cor 12:9 NLT)

Being a pretty independent spirit - my flesh constantly fights against dependence on anyone - unfortunately that sometimes even includes dependence on God. My flesh desires to be strong in every circumstance. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect in everything. It's exhausting and according to the Word - it's not necessary. While I am supposed to live a life that is pleasing to God, it was never meant for me to do it in my own strength - otherwise why would I need Jesus! So I'm working on "staying in my lane," allowing God's perfection to work through my imperfection, and putting my pride to death.

The war between the spirit and the flesh very real but over time I've found that the battles get shorter, the victories more frequent and the recovery time quicker. Whatever it is that you have been struggling with stop beating yourself up about it. Recognize that there is a war going on and let God's power work through you.

Have a great weekend all!
Isunji

><((((º>

Jonathan

2009-04-28T09:00:00.003-04:00

Jonathan laughing: one of the sweetest sounds this side of heaven.

I've been asked a lot about what kind of work we did, what our mission was, in Zambia. That has been a hard question to answer and is probably the main reason I haven't blogged about it before now. Truth is I felt kind of funny that I couldn't pinpoint anything tangible that we did. Truthfully, on the surface it hardly seemed like we made any difference at all.

But you know what? This particular trip was not about doing, so much as it was about being. It was about people and relationships. It was about images stepping out of the brochures and infomercials and stepping into my life; living, breathing, laughing, and loving. It was about moving beyond giving money to a cause to putting names and faces in our hearts.

Our verbal communication was limited, but still our hearts were knit together. By the time our trip came to an end, the orphans in Choma and the people of Chibwe became a part of us and I believe we became a part of them. So my memories of Zambia don't consist of tasks and duties, but of faces, smiles, tears, and laughter.

Today, my thoughts are with Jonathan. He is one of the babies we met at the orphanage in Choma. I never got his story, but I'm sure it wasn't much different from any of the other children there whose parents were lost to AIDS or who were HIV positive themselves. He struck me because he was so quiet and looked so sad, like he might burst into tears at any moment. He sat on my lap and I talked to him, still his expression didn't change. I wondered about what his eyes had seen and what his heart had felt in the short time he'd been on earth. In contrast to my experiences with my own laughing nephews and nieces, Jonathan was eerily quiet.

Then someone discovered that Jonathan was ticklish! She tickled him and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. She tickled him again and a small sound escaped his lips. She tickled him a third time and he flashed a toothy grin. Finally he broke out into full laughter his right arm up and his little body rumbling. It was music to my ears and reminded me that some things, like laughter, are common to all of us if we would take the time to draw them out.

I don't feel like I "did" anything per say, but I got a sense as our time there came to an end that these little ones appreciated us taking the time to come and spend some time with them, to play with them, and talk to them. Things we take for granted or take lightly, yet it means the world to them.

So yeah, today I'm thinking of Jonathan, hearing his laughter in my ears, remembering the weight of his solid frame on my lap, seeing his sad little countenance transformed right before my eyes, feeling his whole body rumbling with laughter, wondering if he is well today...

Satisfaction

2009-04-25T08:28:00.004-04:00

"I can't get no satisfaction I can't get no satisfaction' cause i try and i try and i try and i try I can't get no, i can't get no!" (M. Jagger & K. Richards)

When You open your hand, You satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing. (Psalm 145:16)

I am positively obsessed with the Food Network. Paula, Rachel, Nigella, The Neeleys... I love them all. I don't know what it is, but I'm hooked. Whether I'm waiting with baited breath as nervous pastry chefs transfer elaborate cakes from the work station to the display table, or trying to anticipate who the judges will dub the next Iron Chef, I'm there! For some reason that I still don't understand fully, I really enjoy watching other people cook. I get caught up in the colors and the process and (if I could be in studio) the smells. The thing is that watching other people cook leaves me unsatisfied

This morning I woke up much earlier than a body should on a Saturday morning, and the first thing I did was flip on the television and boot up the laptop. My plan was to channel surf until I found a good movie or sitcom, but I wound up on the Catholic network instead. I was instantly drawn in by the obvious excitement of woman leading Bible study. It was contagious. I watched as the leader and two other women talked about the passage in Luke with such joy. The study was really good, and I was caught up in their joy and excitement, but once it was over, I was unsatisfied.

Since coming back from Zambia, I've been in a major spiritual dry spell. It's been a while since I made time to study let alone read the Word of God. It became far too easy to fill my time up with other things. As a result I was left unsatisfied. Until this morning when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The solution to my spiritual dissatisfaction was simply to get in the Word. Duh!!

Psalm 145 reminds talks about how God stands ready and willing to satisfy. He needs only open His hand and we will be satisfied. The only way to get close enough to His hand is by seeking His face. Just like with physical hunger, spiritual hunger can only be satisfied by some action on my part. So today I took a step toward satisfaction. How about you? Are you satisfied? Take a step today. You'll be so glad you did.

Have an awesome weekend all!

12 HOURS

2009-03-22T00:31:00.003-04:00

Well, this is it. In about 12 hours I'll be heading to the airport to board a plane to Zambia. As I type this I am beyond exhausted. I've seen more of Target, Walmart and CVS this week than the law allows.

The trip was never more "real" to me than it was these past two weeks and it my... anxiety manifest in funny ways... like the day I got to work and realized, to my horror, that I had only put deodorant under ONE arm!!! It also manifest in some less-than-funny ways - like my bout with bronchitis the last week.

It's been a whirlwind trying to wind things up at work and home while trying to get everything done for my trip. As I sit here on the brink of total exhaustion, I can say that I am ready. Ready for what God has in store. I look forward to drinking in every moment and savoring each experience. I also look forward to sharing everything with you when I get back.

Till then, stay well, be blessed, and be a blessing. Happy Sunday all!

Just for Fun!

2009-03-10T12:02:00.001-04:00

It's been a long time since I posted one of thise and I could use one today. Thanks Linda! :)

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

Remembering Sandra ~ 3/22/72-3/10/06

2009-03-10T07:57:00.007-04:00

Jordan, Nathaniel, Noelani & Danielle at Danielle's 5th Birthday party. She looks more like her mother every day.

Sandra & Danielle (2005)

It was three years ago today. I still remember every detail of what I was doing when I got the news. I had just come out of the Lincoln Theatre after watching one of my good friends in a play. I was slightly annoyed because my eldest niece had called several times during the play, but there was no reception. I couldn't imagine what couldn't wait until after the play! I stepped out of the building and onto the DC streets so full of life and activity. It seemed everyone was out enjoying the warm spring day in one way or another.

Amid the noise of the city, I walked back toward my car and finally called my niece back totally unprepared for what she would say. The moment I heard her shaky voice on the other end of the phone line any residual annoyance vanished. In the next few moments she proceeded to tell me that my youngest sister had been in a car accident; a fatal car accident... I felt like I was underwater. All the sights and sounds that had been so vibrant and clear only moments before became a muffled blur. The friend that had come with me sensed immediately that something was wrong and she began to pray.

The ride home was also a blur. I don't really remember driving per say. I do remember turning on the worship CD that my church had done and playing it all the way home. If ever I needed to connect with God, now was the time! It was those words that held me together and got me home. I can hear Minister Amma's voice assuring me, "Emmanuel, Emmanuel, Emmanuel God is with us!" I made it home and joined my family to endure what would be the hardest 30 days of my life. You see, Sandra's husband was badly injured in the accident so we waited until he was well enough to attend the funeral. That was such a hard time. It seemed as though we were in limbo that whole time: still working, and going through the motions of life but unable to really move forward, like moving through jello...

It's hard to believe it has been three years. What's more it's hard to believe that Sandra is no longer with us. I still expect her to call or walk through the door sometimes. Her presence left a great void. Anyone who ever met her knows what I mean and for those of you who never had the pleasure, allow me to introduce you.

Her full name was Sandra Laurina Pinto Urbano Strong and she was born in Angola, Africa on March 22, 1972. She was the eldest daughter of my mom's only brother. I call her sister because in Angolan tradition, your first cousins are considered brothers and sisters and your parents' siblings are also your parents. Confusing to the American mind I know, but our society is very familial. In fact my parents' native languages don't really have terms for "extended" family - it's all just family! I also call her sister because in 1984 she leapt out of the letters and photographs we received over the years and actually came to live with us. From that point on... she was my sister in every sense of the word.

Sandra was special. She had this way of making everyone around her feel like they were the most important person in her world. She was that someone that everyone wanted as a friend. She had a million watt smile that lit up any room she was in. She had the weirdest sense of humor and this funny little dance that always made me laugh. She had an upbeat attitude even in less that ideal circumstances.

Oh and she was so easy to fool! We got her all the time with our jokes! Don't feel too bad for her because she got us every now and then too! I remember the first time we went shopping and she bought these heinous royal purple legwarmers a-la Flashdance!! I remember her first purchase with her babysitting money - a pair of white jeans that she kept throughout the years to remind her of her beginnings. I remember how LONG it used to take her to get ready for anything. We had to tell her an hour early so she'd be thirty minutes late! I remember staying up laughing and talking until we were delirious and still having to go to school/work the next day! Yeah, I remember...

The single thing that I remember most about Sandra was her ability to find and draw out beauty in people most of us would overlook. She was always drawn to the "least of these." She knew their names and their stories. People from all walks of life, all nationalities, ages, races, creeds and colors. I see now that she had to make all these connections with all sorts of people because her time on earth was to be so short. Looking back over conversations we had and comments she made from time to time, I believe she always knew she wouldn't be here long.

Although my heart is a bit heavy today, I am not mourning like those who don't have hope. Sandra had a strong relationship with Jesus Christ and I know she's with Him now. I know we'll see one another again. I just miss having her here. Still I am planning to enjoy this day. I expect it to be a good one and I plan to savor each moment. It's what Sandra would have wanted. She wasn't one for a lot of sadness or gloom and doom in her presence anyway, and even if you started out that way, it never lasted long around her. That was the essence of Sandra. Sure there was a lot more to her, but this was her essence; this is the legacy she leaves behind. I am thankful for the time I had with her. I'm thankful for the life she lived and that she got to experience so many wonderful things - true love, marriage, motherhood, and realizing her dream of becoming a nurse - the perfect profession for her.

Sandra, I hear you in every laugh. I see you in the faces of the people I walk by. I see you in Danielle's face more and more each time I see her. So baby sister, you are with me, in my heart, today and always.

The Right Response

2009-03-07T16:52:00.003-05:00

A dear friend recently announced a major change she is making in her life. Although I knew it was coming, today made is seem so... final. Even as I know it is God's working in her life, it's still hard, as is any change.

In an instant I went through a range of emotions and questions. You know, wondering how our friendship will be affected, whether we'll still get together from time to time, or whether she'll get swept up by the newness and it will just never be the same again... the whole nine.

Seeing her message in black and white was like hearing it for the first time and I found myself at a loss for words... I actually didn't know how to respond. Then I remembered...

In 1987 a really good friend from the college Christian group I belonged to announced that after graduation she was moving out of the country to be a full time missionary. She was such an integral part of all of our lives the news was like a punch in the stomach. Even so, it was clear that this was God's plan for her. She was at a loss for how to say goodbye and then she played a song for us that expressed how she felt. It seems appropriate to play that song again. It says everything I can't right now for fear of ruining my well applied eye makeup! (you know I had to throw a joke in there! )

Love you!

Small Changes, Big Results

2009-02-27T16:04:00.005-05:00

I was all set for water aerobics this morning until I remembered that there is no class on last Saturdays of the month.. Posting to my blog seemed like the next logical alternative.

It's hard to believe, but it's been over a month since I started water aerobics. It all started with my pantsuit debacle and I've been going strong ever since. When I made the decision that I needed to make a change and find what works best for me, something I could stick with, water aerobics presented itself. Life is funny like that; as though it's just waiting on us to get in the right position in order for it to release the opportunities we have been needing or wanting.

I remember telling people that I was starting to exercise regularly. Everyone was really happy that I was making that change. Some came up with lists of other things that I should change as well. If I haven't learned anything at all about myself in the past *cough, cough* years it's that extreme changes do not work for me. If it's something that I want to incorporate into my life for good, then small, consistent changes are the way to go.

So, for the first month it was adding exercise, which is a HUGE deal for me because other than walking from my office to the bathroom, or from the car to the house, I wasn't getting any. In fact if you looked in the dictionary under the word sedentary, I was the face smiling back at you! Now I've added the exercise, my next goal was to go back to drinking only, or mostly, water. I did this once and the weight fell off like crazy, but somehow all the juice and soda found it's way back to me. So far the transition is going well.

The thing is, I'm also learning that it's a trade off. Making small changes one and a time like this causes results to come a little slower and not everyone is ok with that. I have to admit that when I got on the scale a couple weeks ago and the needle hadn't moved I was a bit disappointed. The fact that I had to moved to the next notch on my belt and that a t-shirt I bought that once fit like second skin is very loose now. Combine that with soreness in places I never knew were muscles and increased energy, I'd say these small changes have resulted in some pretty big results!

I'm expecting my next update to be even better! Happy Saturday all!!

Thankful Thursday

2009-02-26T11:20:00.002-05:00

For whatever reason I've been in "thankful mode" for the past few weeks. God's been so good it is hard to limit my list to 5 - but here goes!

1) I'm thankful for the internet which has allowed me to reconnect with treasured old friends and make some special new ones. I even found a long lost friend from 3rd grade!!!

2) I'm thankful that I drove to work yesterday instead of taking the commuter bus. I missed an 'altercation' that took place and the delay that resulted.

3) I'm thankful for a dog who makes me feel like the most important person in the universe each and every time I walk in the door. Unconditional love on 4 legs.

4) I'm thankful for my family, imperfect though we are, God knows just where to put us! I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

5) I'm so very thankful for a God who loves me enough to whisper words of comfort, peace, and love into my heart until I fall asleep.

Have a blessed day!
Isunji

Wrestling with God

2009-02-25T23:18:00.004-05:00

The Bible tells the story of how Jacob wrestled with God one night until it was nearly dawn. The end result was his hip being put out of joint AND his name (and his nature) being forever changed by his encounter with his Creator. He was no longer 'the supplanter' or 'the deceiver.' No, now he was Israel and through Him God did great things.

I'm feeling very much like Jacob tonight. I've been wresting with God for a long, long time. Today, I finally, truly, completely let it all go. The fight, the conflict, the struggle is over. The end result is my hip being put out of joint and the pain that goes along with that, BUT my nature is being changed by my encounter with my Creator.

I didn't plan for the fight to end today. It was quite unexpected and without the fanfare and drama I always thought it would bring. In fact, it happened during a deep conversation with a friend overseas who is called to be a nun. (Thanks so much, K) She probably had no idea of the impact of our discussion on me, but in that moment it made me look, I mean really look, at myself, my life, where I'm going and what I'm meant to do and be. The only reasonable response was to let everything that doesn't fit go; and so even as we were talking, I did.

I don't know exactly how Jacob felt after the wrestling match was over, but I imagine he was a little sore. I've heard it preached that he walked with a limp for the rest of his life which no doubt forever reminded him of that night. But he got so much more out of it than a limp, he got the blessing of God! He refused to let go of God until He blessed him and that's exactly what he received! I don't know about anyone else, but that's worth a shout in my book!!!

So I'm doing the same thing tonight that Jacob did all those years ago. I realize this fight is over, and I'm ok with that. There is pain involved and I'm ok with that. I may mourn about it for a while, however, I refuse to let go of God until He blesses me and I believe I'm going to get just that! I don't know how or when or even what it will be, but I receive it in faith and expect it any time!

I know this is God's doing because there is no way I could have reached this place in and of myself. In fact, I didn't want to reach this place. I ran from it. I kicked and screamed and scratched. I was like that unfortunate kitty struggling to escape from Pepe le pew! Well tonight, I'm done with all that and there is such peace in surrendering all of my will, my way, my plans to Him - who better to give the control to? I have to admit that this is one of the scariest places I've ever been, but I know it is right where I am supposed to be. And so the journey continues and seems like it's just beginning all at the same time.

Whatever it is you may be wrestling with God about, it may be time to stop fighting Him, but make sure you don't let go of Him until He blesses you. Happy Wednesday/almost Thursday all!

ON CALL

2009-02-19T08:14:00.007-05:00

Ever had one of those times when you hear a favorite song you haven't heard in years and you begin to remember all the things that made you love it? How about going someplace you haven't been to in a while and rediscovering why you liked to go there? Last night I had one of those experiences in a spiritual sense.

When I first gave my heart to Christ, I remember how on fire I was. I wanted everyone around me to know Him too. I couldn't get enough of the Word. There was even a point when it seemed that every time someone said the name "Jesus" I hit the floor. Perhaps the aspect that intrigued me the most though was prayer. God put such a heart of prayer in me that I was praying all the time for anyone and everyone. Maybe it was because I was so open then, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night from time to time and just praying - sometimes praying for people I knew, sometimes not. It was such a time of fellowship and partnership with God. I felt like I was "on call" and at any moment God could call on me to pray for a given situation.

I don't know exactly when things changed, but, just like the Bible says, the cares of life ended up choking that life out of me. Reality hit and before I knew it I was going through the motions with no real fruit to show for it and I was starting to be okay with that... Until a couple of posts ago where I blogged about giving my heart fully to God again. I knew things were going to change for me spiritually, but it's been better - actually it's been exceedingly, abundantly better than I expected. I'm returning to some things that I lost or let go of along the way; one of those things being intercessory prayer.

Last night I woke up suddenly at 1:40 a.m. One moment I was sound asleep and the next I was fully awake. It didn't dawn on me right away that it might be God because, as I said, it's been a while. I took the opportunity to visit the rest room and put my swim stuff in the dryer, but when I got back in bed sleep wouldn't come. That's when it hit me that something else was going on. "Okay, God," I thought/prayed, "what's going on." I started praying and then just listened for some direction. Literally 2 minutes later, I got a text from one of my girlfriends. (I don't normally sleep with my cell phone, but this time I did) She was just getting home from being at an aftercare facility. They found a mass in her chest and were scheduling a CT for her the next day! She was asking for prayers. I was shocked. "Okay God, what do I do now? Do I pray or should I call her?" He said to call her, so I did.

As I expected she was a wreck. I asked God what to say and He said not to say anything, just to listen. So I did. During the course of our conversation I could hear her go from panic to peace and by the time we were done I actually had her laughing, which, being the clown that I am, is always a plus for me!

It wasn't until after we hung up that I realized what had happened. It was that old familiar place that I hadn't been to in a while, that favorite song I hadn't heard in ages. Just like in the beginning, God called me into partnership with Him to intercede and minister peace to someone. I was speechless and it took me a while to wind down and get back to sleep.

The thing that humbles me and leaves me awestruck is the way the Father goes about restoring us to the places we've fallen from. Last night He put me right back on the "on call" list as though I'd never been off of it. That ministers His grace and forgiveness to me on so many levels... Woo!! I am so excited to see what will happen next. I'll keep you posted!

Happy Thursday all!

Not So Quiet Today...

2009-02-18T12:33:00.009-05:00

WHAT??? I had to do a double take. I put my glasses on, I took them off again, and then I had to check a calendar! Is it 2009 or 1969? I couldn't believe my eyes, yet this editorial cartoon was printed in TODAY'S New York Post. I usually don't comment on stuff like this especially in this forum, but this is one time I can't (and won't) hold my peace.

Whatever the intent was (or wasn't), this cartoon proves to me that this country still doesn't "get it" about what images and references like these conjure up in the hearts and minds of citizens of color. For me it took me back to footage I saw as a small child of other children being sprayed with fire hoses and chased by dogs. Of heavy set angry white men with red faces and southern accents shouting about who gets to go to school where. It took me to a West Virginia elementary school classroom where I first heard the phrase, "Black is beautiful, but White is right," from a fellow 3rd grader. It reminded me of being put in the position of being asked to choose one group of friends over another in high school. It reminded me of campus parties where the police prevalence was ever present in anticipation of some sort of riot breaking out while on the other side of campus riots sometimes did break out... I could go on, but I've made my point.

My first reaction was outrage, then an almost overwhelming sadness. It's disheartening to me that no matter how much African Americans achieve it will never be enough to change the hearts and minds of some people. And while it is what it is, it's still a source of profound sadness to me. Here, 40 YEARS LATER, and not even achieving the office or President of the United States is enough to dispel the stereotypes of old. What a sad, sad commentary on our society... I'd like to use another work, but sad is all I have at the moment.

Before I could fully process the situation my email was flooded! Apparently a lot of people were feeling the same way. There were all sorts of comments - calls for a public apology, to have the artist fired, to bombard the newspaper with phone calls, the whole nine. There was one lone voice however that got my attention. He's usually the antagonist in this particular email group, but he does make you think. He said we should ask ourselves what the President would do, then follow suit. Don't even dignify it with a response. And quit buying the paper - nothing speaks louder than green (or the lack thereof)!

This got me thinking. In the past every time something offensive has been said or done the African American community's reaction was always protest and outrage. Understandably so, but how effective is it in this day and age? In the 60's that kind of protest was effective, but it's a new day. Not only that, it's become expected of us. Think about it. How many times do you see the images on television and in the movies of the angry black man or the "sista" with an attitude? It's expected that if something happens we are going to "go off." It's old and tired. It's time to paint a different picture. To quote one of my girlfriends, "sometimes you can show 'em better than you can tell 'em."

I took my thoughts a step further. Of all the things that I am, African, African American, a Woman, a writer, etc, I am first and foremost a Follower of Jesus Christ. My first question in situations like this needs to be 'What would Jesus do?' Not taking anything away from those who have gone on before me and the sacrifices they made so I could enjoy what I do now, but Jesus is now my example. He had more opportunities that anyone to be outraged, to protest, yet even in those last moments as false accusations were made about Him, as insults were hurled at Him, and finally as He lay dying the death of a common thief. Yet He never said a word in His own defense. He never retaliated with anger though He would have been justified. His only words were filled with grace, forgiveness and love. Why? Not because He was the Son of God, but because regardless of what was being said about Him, to Him, He never lost sight of who He was! WOW! How awesome is that? This turned my whole day around! I went from outrage and sadness to peace and joy.

Bottom line is - someone calling you a monkey, or anything other than what you are, doesn't make it so unless you allow it to! All of a sudden the power is back in my court and I make a choice to use it for the glory of my Great Example.

T

2009-02-13T08:00:00.001-05:00

Kara started this meme on her blog and I thought it was fun. I don't know about you, but I can use a little fun right about now!

So, you are given a letter and you have to name 10 things you love that begin with that letter. Head on over to her blog and request your letter. Don't forget to let me know you did it so I can check out your repsonses! Here's my list. I had the letter "T"...

TWIZZLERS!!! By far the best candy in the YOU-KNEE-VERSE! The only thing I share reluctantly. In fact, I’ve been known to buy extra for other people so I won’t have to share mine… Is that wrong? (Eww, I hope my whole list isn’t so “telling”…)

TINKERBELL. Not only is she cute as pie, but she brings back wonderful childhood memories of getting ready for bed on Sunday night as fast as we could get downstairs and get settled for “The Wonderful World of Disney.”

TEA. I’ve become more of a coffee drinker of late, but tea is still my preference, especially Earl Grey. I do not believe, however, that tea was meant to be consumed cold… never could get with iced tea, iced coffee either for that matter - yuck!

TISH. My eldest niece who is graduating from Univ of Colorado in December. I was just carrying her around in her carrier last week!!! YIKES! I love her though. She is my kindred spirit and we have a lot in common including a love for reading and a gift for writing. Oh and this list is NOT in order of importance, just as they came to me… lest Tish see this and think that she comes 4th in my heart… maybe second… LOL!

TIA. One of my best friends and most trusted confidantes. I thank God for her even those times when I’m ready to kill her for telling me the truth when I don’t want to hear it! Everyone should have one.

TOWELS. There nothing like the comfort of a towel fresh from the dyer or warm from the clothesline. I like to think of it as the physical version of being wrapped up by the Holy Spirit.

TELEVISION. It’s been such a major part of my life over the years and I’m not ashamed to say I enjoy it… a lot… maybe too much! With all its faults, it still has that power to transport me to another place for a while and relax.

TWILIGHT. Not the books, but the time of day! This wonderful time just before it gets dark conjures up memories of catching lightning bugs, finishing up the last inning of kickball, bidding playmates good night and rushing home to beat the street lights…

TOES. Nothing captures my attention like baby toes! The sight of them can almost move me to tears and I often find it hard to resist kissing them, which leads to baby laughter which is the greatest thing this side of heaven! But the toes, yeah, they are just the sweetest things EVER!

TEARS. While I might not always love the reason behind them, I love tears. They have the ability to heal, to cleanse and to purge all the cares and anxieties of life from us. I think we do a disservice to our little boys by teaching them not to cry… on the other hand, I can’t do anything with a “weepy” man LOL! I mean it’s okay to cry, but not more than my 2 year old nephew! Wait, what was I sayin’ again?

Well, those are my Ts… Sorry it took me so long Kara. There’s been a lot going on… Love ya! Isunji

What Do You Call Two Doctors? A Paradox!

2009-02-12T11:32:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it’s not the funniest joke in the world, but didn’t it make you smile even a little? This isn’t the first time, and I’m sure it won’t be the last, that I find myself smack dab in the middle of a paradox …

On one hand I have been inundated with ads, music, cards etc about Valentine’s Day. If it isn’t a sappy jingle reminding me that every kiss begins with “K,” or to run out and get a hallmark card and pick up a romantic CD with my purchase, blah, blah, blah ad nauseum. Lately, I’ve just taken to turning the channel, putting the TV on mute or turning it off altogether.

In case you haven’t guessed, this is my least favorite holiday. Don’t get me wrong, commercialism aside, I know what the intent of the day is in terms of it being a celebration of love. And I am truly happy for those who have found, kept, restored, or renewed love. In this day and age that’s a HUGE deal and I don’t take it lightly at all. For me however, it’s yet another reminder that for another year I have not. It’s akin to being struck with a massive wrecking ball that you know is coming for you every year. But wait! Put your violins away because these days it passes much quicker than it used to and I actually end up having a pretty good time in one form or another…

So where’s the paradox, you say? I’m so glad you asked! God with his unmatched sense of irony and humor has chosen NOW to being ministering to me about love and my heart. He couldn’t wait till Sunday or President’s Day… nooo, He starts when all the world is in the throes of Valentines Day!! Geez!

I actually blame my girlfriend Julia for planting this seed about the heart. She’s been sending me devotionals for about 2 years now from a man named John Eldredge. I’d never heard of him, and I admit that I was resistant at first. In fact, I didn’t even read all of them… but don’t tell Julia. In the back of my mind I started to wonder what about them made me so upset and defensive. I mean I read all kinds of stuff all the time, what was the deal here? She stopped sending them and I put it all out of mind… but God never forgets!

Recently, Julia asked me to do some editing for her and there was a mention of this guy again! Oh brother! This time though, something was different. All of a sudden I was intrigued and I couldn’t get enough! God saw that opening and seized the moment to not only capture my attention, but to grab hold of my heart and start what He’s wanted to do in me for a long time. How’s that for irony!

I realize I have a long road ahead, because there’s quite a bit of mending that needs to be done. And I know it’s not all going to be pleasant… but I’m ready to do the work. I’m ready for God to do His thing in me. The good news is that for the first time in a very long time, I feel like my heart is safe in God’s hands. I know it sounds funny, but in the past I gave it to him, then took it back when He wasn’t doing what I thought He should do, or I gave pieces of it to Him - keeping parts back for myself that I either didn’t want exposed or disturbed. Well, I’m done! I am admitting that MY WAY DOES NOT WORK! I can’t heal my own wounds and I’m so very tired of trying! I’m putting away the bandaids and Neosporin and allowing God to apply the Balm of Gilead. It looks like this is going to be a Happy Valentine’s Day after all!

A very Happy Valentines Day to all of you!

A Farewell to Global

2009-02-08T16:33:00.006-05:00

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jer 29:11 NLT)

My stomach fell into my lap as I read the words of a text message from one of my best friends for the umpteeth time. "Next Sunday is the last Sunday. Global will be no more. Will call you after church." I was dumbfounded. Global Outreach Christian Center, the ministry, the church that was instrumental in changing my life, is closing down next week... What in the world?! I was waiting for the follow up text telling me that it was all a joke... it never came.

I walked in to Global for the first time as the guest of some new friends in October of 1999. It was different form any other church I'd ever been too. I didn't know any of the worship songs or any of the people, but by the time I left, I knew this was going to be home... Armed only with a clear word from God I packed up and moved. No job, No car, No place to live, but I stepped out on faith.

I was in a state of constant awe as I watched God supply every one of my needs. He provided a family friend who opened her home to me for 2 months while I got on my feet. He provided a job with a prominent insurance company in the area. He put in on the heart of a stranger who lived close to where I was staying to offer to drive me to and from work every day. The list goes on and I can't even begin to tell how much I learned, experienced and grew while I was there.

I'll probably be forever discovering all the reasons that God moved me for that season, but I am clear on one thing. He took me from the comfort, safety and security to a place where I could learn that He is my comfort, my safety, and my security. It was rough at times, but I made it and my faith reached a new level because of it. Global played a huge part in my growth and now, this time next week, there won't be anymore Global.

So many questions and emotions twirl around inside my brain and I'm left with confusion and a lack of understanding with a flash of anger thrown in every so often. At the moment I am numb because right now it's easier and safer to be numb...

At this time I have no other option other than to rest on the fact that God knows what He is doing even if/when no one else does. (Jeremiah 29:11). I trust in His plan for all those who will be displaced by this sudden change. I rest in the knowledge that none of this takes God by surprise and He's already made provision to take care of those involved.

Still my heart breaks for those who are hurting right now. My heart hurts for those who felt like this was the only alternative. My heart aches for all the could have been in and through Global. I mourn for the death of the dream even as I rejoice in the birth of a new dream. Global, I will miss you so much, but I'm thankful for the good things that I will always carry in my heart because of you.